Sunday, July 31, 2011

Horrifying Sunday - Tarantula Hawk

Hello good friends! I hope nobody notices that it is in fact Sunday, not Tuesday. Perhaps nobody will notice eh? It'll be between me and you, don't tell anyone! If anybody asks, it's Sunday. Without further ado, here's today's post.

The Tarantula Hawk towards in un-trained ear, sounds like a combination of a giant creepy crawlie, and the swift power of a hawk. In the terms of being horrifying, you'll be completely correct. The Tarantula Hawk isn't a giant Hawk flying around with eight legs, spinning random webs everywhere; It's actually a "Spider Wasp".

"Well that sure did clear it up Mister Norman!" Hold your horses, let me explain. The Spider Wasp could be easily defined as a Wasp grown and trained, to be natural Spider Bounty Hunters. In our case, our species specifically hunts Tarantulas.

Film Not Related.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

About You

A post dedicated about you, the reader? Why that's just preposterous! This post isn't about you specifically; So you can calm down about me revealing that secret about that time you soiled your pants before recital and I covered for you. That's between us. This article is pretty much, the collective information I have about all my readers. So don't worry, I don't know where you keep your "secret pictures".

"I better move these files anyways, just in case."

According to my statistics, 44% of you use Chrome! Saaay what? You could say that Google is really getting ahead in the 'browser' competition. How about the rest? The number two competitor, is 24% with Internet Explorer. Come on guys, step into the future. Scratch that, the present. At very least, I hope you're using Internet Explorer 9. Because if I find our that you're still using that old 1873 era browser, I will find you.

"Oh really?"

Friday, July 29, 2011

3 Of The Biggest Guns In History

Guns? You mean the patriotic symbol of freedom, peace, happiness, and security right? Of course. Throughout history, humans have created weapons in varying size, volume, weight, and effectiveness. Below, we'll discuss the biggest, most hardcore weapons ever constructed. What does that mean? It means that it's time to take off your bunny shoes and your pink socks, it's big-boy time.

In a disclaimer-like fashion, I'll like to point out that I'm going to list four of many un-worldly sized guns in this post, and that they are not in order depending on awesomeness. So don't start sending your hate mail if your favorite super-gun was unmentioned. (Although you should mention it below in the comments, we might just add it here.)

The Paris Gun - Germany

Named after the city it bombarded during World War 1, it's one of the largest guns you'll ever see. Although in Paris, they never saw it coming, literally.

Why would that be? How could the millions of people in Paris miss a gun that weighed 246 tons, 28 meters long, and was as tall as a skyscraper*? Maybe it's due to the fact that it was used to bombard cities at over 81 miles away? The Germans could sit around in beach houses full of women partying for hours before the people in Paris discover that the sky is not in fact falling.
Thursday, July 28, 2011

Hippopotamuses Wants You Dead

Better known as simply "Hippos", they are one of the most aggressive animals in the world. For unknown reasons, this animal was misplaced in our previous post about "the most aggressive animals in the world". Worry not, we shall cover this vile beast below!

Hippopotamus, you mean those cut-, littl-, lovel-, you got me. They're simply horrible. One does not use the words "Hipoptamus", and "cute" in the same sentence. Because they're not. If you have never seen a Hippo in real life, here's a picture of one.

I lied, here's about eleven. Enjoy.

As you can see, they look like giant water pigs. Not really appealing. The average hippo can weigh 3650 pounds. If you stack 6 Hippos together, you'll have the weight of a bus. (Although, older male hippos can weigh almost 10,000 pounds.They can become 11 to 17 feet long, which is almost as long as four people lying down toe to face on the ground.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011

How to Annoy All of Your Friends on Facebook

Facebook? A book in which exquisite faces are placed in alphabetic order based on their series of letters that identify them as a individual? What great luck! Facebook has over 750 million users, and if you're reading this, you're probably a part of that population.

Statistically, average people have 130 friends in total. That's a bit too much right? Who needs a hundred thirty people who like you? Below, I'll help you "cut the fat" from you long friends list. Perhaps by the end of the month, you'll have more enemies then friends; That's when life really gets interesting.

  •  Post like you're on twitter. Post status updates no less then once every hour. Everyone needs to know where you are and what you're doing, even if you're just brushing your teeth. If you found a song you like, or farted briefly, feel free to share it with the rest of the world.
  • Post links, songs, stories, pictures on your profile frequently. Also, try to make status updates with philosophical truths you've found on the internet, and/or discovered yourself recently. Here are some examples:
    • "Earth is only a speck in the universe"
    • "We are essentially useless"
    • "We can't change the past, so look towards the future"
You'll instantly look like this towards your peers.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011

TGN1412 - The Catastrophic Human Drug Trials

The drug trials of TGN1412, or also known as "CD28-SuperMAB" is something out of a science fiction movie. The name that sounds like a science-cy evil pathogen of doom doesn't help either.

On March, 13, 2006, a drug trial was conducted on eight young healthy volunteers and since the title of this post is "The Catastrophic Drug Trials", one could assume it didn't end well.

Before I discuss what happened on that faithful day, I'll tell you what "TGN1412" is.

TGN1412 was the working name for a immunomodulation drug that was later withdrawn after certain events occurred. The drug was developed by the German company, TeGenero Immuno Therepeutics, tested by Parexel and manufactured by Boehringer-Ingelheim.

Picture not related
Monday, July 25, 2011

A Look Back: "Experiments in the Revival of Organisms"

"A Look Back", is going to be a series of articles based on various topics and genres, that have already occurred before the twenty first century. It'll be posted at random interval so don't expect one every week. Without further ado, here's the article.

The 90s were a very confusing time in human history. People began to think, "Hey, we don't really have to just make weapons and bombs, we could actually make things to benefit daily life!" and those same people, were swiftly picked up for a ten day exclusive vacation at a re-education camp water park sponsored by the KGB.

On 1940, a motion picture was released under the name "Terminator: Dawn of the Machines" "Experiments in the Revival of Organisms". Obviously, this isn't one of your casual summer action flicks. This motion picture, was a nineteen minute and thirty one second clip 'documenting' Soviet research into resuscitation of clinically dead organisms.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Bees: The Most Important Animal In The World

What's that? No, they aren't important because of that future mutant evil bee army I've been planning over the years. (Although it may be a prime contributor) The "Bee" can be considered one of the most important animals on planet earth. Is it because of their rich social structure? Nope. Perhaps it's because of they're "hive mind" intelligence? Sorry, it's not that either.

Actually, a major contributor.

Bees play one of the most important roles in human society, more then we know. If you've ever enjoyed the activity of eating, you should generally thank the bees.

So if you enjoy continued existence, read on! If you don't like it, you're free to leave. Don't let the door hit you on your way out.

Bees are directly linked to over 1/3 of the entire world's food supply; They are responsible for pollination of hundreds of essential food sources in the world. I'm not talking about crackers and cookies, I'm talking the important stuff.

Think about all the things that require pollination; Chances are that the Bees allow hundreds of various foods to be sold at relatively cheap costs. Can't think of any? I'll help you: Almonds, Apples, Blueberries, Watermelons, Cherries, Onions, Beets, Broccoli, Cabbage, Cauliflower, Various Chili Peppers, Tangerine, Coconuts, Hazelnuts, Cucumber, Lemons, Limes, Carrots, Strawberries, Cotton, Walnuts, Sunflowers, Various Beans, Apricots, Plums, Pomegranates, Pears, Black Berries, Sesame, Eggplant, Cocoa, Cranberries, Vanilla, Tomato, and Grapes.

The Victory That Is... Pie

Did you say cake? Pish posh! You might as well feed me a sugary sponge! Well whatever shall I enjoy then as a delightful dessert to tickle my stomach fluids? Why pie of course! From the simplicity of apple pie to the decadence of pecan, pie is the multifaceted food of your life, and your future...

I know, your head just exploded. Then it reformed and ate this.

So, why pie? Is it time for a list? Yes, I'll take one please, hold the whipped cream.

1. Pie is delicious - Does this even need describing? Pies are like supermodels, except if you eat them it's morally okay. They are filled with amazing things like blueberries, sugar, fairies, custard and fairies. Well, maybe not the latter, but the rest is definitely there.

2. Pie is universal - You can eat pie for breakfast. You can it eat it for lunch. You can eat it for dinner. You can eat it for dessert. You can eat it for a 2am snack. You can eat it for second breakfast. "But wait Eddard, I don't like Mississippi Mud Pie for breakfast! I want sausages and eggs!" Guess what? You can put that in a pie. I repeat you can put that in a pie. Holy moley. There are so many more types of pies than sweet ones, Steak and Kidney pie, Shepherd's pie, Chicken pot pie, the possibilities are endless. Cake, that's just sweet, and sweet is for nincompoops. (Yes pies can be sweet, no you are not a nincompoop for liking them, no more questions about this)
Saturday, July 23, 2011

Five Words To Use To Instantly Make You Sound Intelligent At Anything

1."I ain't feelin so up ter goin to the discotheque this night."
2."I am not so moved as to enjoy our usual avocation upon this eve, perhaps a fortnight from now?"

Wouldn't you confess that the first is an utter asinine use of the English language, as well as it sounding distinctly dripping of an ignorant impudence?! (Except for the use of discotheque, that word is the definition of elegance and class.) Perhaps you may even be thinking "Oh no, I talk like that!" Not to worry, for Eddard's guide to Ostentatious and Sumptuous Words is here to help! Here lies five choice words of uncommon yet exquisite English jargon for your use to instantly brighten the room and your intelligence! Boom.

But first, people enjoying a discotheque

1. Garrulous - Definition: excessively talkative in a rambling, roundabout manner, especially about trivial matters
Have a chatty special someone who just won't quite fasten their oral cavity? Call them garrulous! In a very kind and sneaky fashion of course, like so: Marty, you know you are such a garrulous guy sometimes. Poor Marty will think this is most probably synonymous to hilarious because Marty does believe he is the funniest man upon this terrene. Everyone around you and Marty will also laugh, because they too do not know the meaning of the word. Unless you, Marty, and the arbitrary crowd of onlookers all attend Harvard. Instead try loquacious, that one works in a pinch just as well.

Fresh Water: Running Dry

Water, it's like biological fuel. It is critical for all life processes and without it, life as we know it wouldn't exist. You might be wondering, "How can we running out of water? I mean water covers 71% of the earth's entire surface, there's plenty to go around right?"

As many of you probably already know, fresh water only makes up about 3% of entire water supply on earth. Only about less than 1%, is readily accessible, such as "ground water" and such. The other 2% is locked away in glaciers and the icecaps; So we can't just go up there, and put a stove under it and expect fresh water to fill our pools and wash our cars.

The other 97% is undrinkable without purification, which means that there's too mach harmful microorganisms, salt, chemicals, pesticides, or just plain ol' death in the water. Purifying it isn't that simple too, it's not a problem we can throw a few dollars at, and expect oceans full of clean water and smiling fish.

Smiling Fish Needed.

The demand is increasing (Population is increasing), and the supply is diminishing (Pollution, and contamination). So lets take a look at possible outcomes.
Friday, July 22, 2011

Six Reasons To Not Piss Off Telemarketers

Haven't we all had that awkward feeling during the afternoon, when a telemarketer calls you and asks if you're satisfied with medical insurance the fifth time in the past two hours? Don't we all feel like threatening his children and family with very harsh sadistic words after the fourth call? Although in a usual case I would help you track down and kidnap the Telemarketer's children, this time we're going to look at reasons to spare his family and house at expense of a "humane" approach.

*Insert loud explosions here*

Now that I have your attention, allow us to break dance to extreme rock music look at reasons not to murder the person on the other side of the line after they've called us multiple times about our life insurance. Instead of smart remakes like "You're going to be the one that needs life insurance if you keep calling me." Lets reason our way out of manslaughter.

Because once you're in jail, everybody rapes you.

1. They're humans too. Contrary to popular belief, it's actually a human behind the phone. A human with the same problems you have, they've got bills to pay, medications to take, children to take care of, and plans to retire. 

Telemarketers are basically "telephone marketers", or "telephone salesmen". If a businessman pestered you to buy a car in real life, would you curse Bloody Mary at them in front of everyone around you? It's the same thing with "internet bullies", since it's over the internet, it feels like they cannot physically harm you and you might feel "safe" to say almost anything you want. Which brings me to my next point.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Horrifying Thursday : Skull Spider

As some of you might have noticed, I missed yesterdays "Horrifying Wednesday". My excuse is that I was in such a stage of shock from last weeks topic, I was unable to come up with something to top our previous "candidate". In both a positive and negative way, I believe I've topped it.*

While this insect won't be leaping into your body and try to eat your flesh, it'll still be pretty sickening. If you have arachnophobia, you might want to look away and hide in a box for exactly sixty-two seconds.

A box, already in a corner. You're half way there.

Within the name, we already have a scary concept, is it a human skull walking around on eight legs trying to attack you? Hopefully not. The Skull Spider is also nicknamed "Daddy Long-legs". That should probably hit a few light bulbs of this horrifying creature in your head from your nightmares. Because it should, it should.

But probably not as horrifying as clowns.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

3 Foods You'll Never Afford

In this time of age, if your car isn't plated with pure gold, then you're practically equivalent to a homeless man. Foods are no different, if you're not eating ice cream with emeralds, then you must be eating dried mud cakes. I mean, what's the point of continued existence if you aren't eating a middle classes year wage for brunch?

Almas Caviar

Almas Caviar is probably one of the most expensive foods you can possibly buy. This magical food comes from Iran and the only known place that sells it is in London, England and since they are the only ones that sell it, they can do pretty much do any gosh darn thing they want.

As a short history lesson, Caviar used to be "peasants" food but as we all know, has taken a turn in the present time period. As lobster used to be like "cockroaches" of the sea, Caviar was considered food for the low class. Why? Possibly because this exclusive food is in laymen's terms, processed, salted, internal ovaries or eggs. (Non-fertilized of course, otherwise you'll have little hatching baby fishes going about everywhere.)

It's like pearls made out of dead baby fishes! Wonderful!  

As I've said before the only place that sells "Almas Caviar" is in London, England, and is called "Caviar House &  Prunier in London England's Picadilly". (Because when you sell the world's most expensive anything, you can pretty much get away with naming your store anything.)
Tuesday, July 19, 2011

5 Reasons Why Summer Sucks

Summer sucks and once we get past the "No School" deal-a-roo, summer blows. Summer is the hottest time in the year, making it one of the most uncomfortable times of the year. Who enjoys being uncomfortable? A raise of hands? Put those hands down.

Pictured: Standard Summer

  • Summer is Hot. Yep, did you know that? For some strange reason, summer is closely related to the temperature "hot". 
    • Warm weather causes one of the most common reactions towards heat, sweat. I don't know about you, but I don't enjoy being covered in sticky, smelly sweat from head to toe from just sitting in a chair. What's that? Why don't I use an air conditioner? Not everyone has the luxury of flipping one on at demand. Air conditioners don't get paid and powered by good wishes and happiness, they get paid but hard-worked cash. Sorry for the news.
    • What would the blistering sun do to us? Death. You can literally pass out from heat exhaustion. The temperature ranging from 70s-100s don't help that much in this situation either. Remember to drink plenty of water boys and girls.
    • Longer days. With the sun beating down at us from almost six AM, to eight PM, that's a full fourteen hours of pure sunlight squeezing the liquid goodness out of our bodies. Sure you'll have more time to 'play' outside, but is it worth the residual heat remaining on the earth while you sleep? If you can afford to use a air conditioner, the increased amount of daylight may affect your sleeping cycle in various minor to major ways.
Monday, July 18, 2011

Tips On Cooling Your Mouth After Eating Spicy Foods

I know at one point on our lives, we've all eaten extremely spicy foods in till manly tears flowed down our cheeks. No more! Instead of holding back your tears, you'll be holding in your constipated feces from all the delicious foods you'll be enjoying.

What makes a average pepper become fear itself, is the chemical Capsaicin. When the chemical is ingested, it triggers the pain receptors in the mouth and indicates "heat". The body reacts in the same fashion if you were to put fire under your arm; Your body would kicks up adrenaline, increases heart rate, and perspire, except for the burning arm part.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Despite Capsaicin having about a hundred hardcore uses such as pepper spray, riot control, possible prostate cancer treatment, and other such uses; This post is about soothing your mouth after eating ten too many spicy tacos.

Capsaicin is not water-soluble therefore, water alone won't stop the spicy burn from leaving your mouth. Fluids such as water may actually move some of the Capsaicin around making the burn slightly more intense after you swallow or spit out the water. Thankfully, Capsaicin is fat-soluble which allows substances such as milk to help 'soothe'  the burn.
Sunday, July 17, 2011

4 Distinguished Deaths In The Past Decade

It's a fact that there have been more dead people than alive people today. What does that mean? Impending zombie apocalypse? No, what it does means is that with the greater amounts of deaths, the greater chances of a good old moral story for the kids! Isn't every kids dream learning of how Uncle Bill died after consuming seven corn dogs laced with rat poison? It never hurts to teach young boy Tommy not to consume food freshly dipped from a mysterious vat of fluid because of that dare from your college friends.

Without further ado, here's four distinguished deaths that occurred in the past ten years.

Seung Seob Lee

This Korean twenty eight year old man isn't that different from average Joe. He's what you call a very "enthusiastic" gamer. He spent many hours at night playing video games such as Starcraft 2, which sadly ended his career short. Apparently, going to bed at around 6 AM and showing up early to work don't mix.

He lived in Taegu, South Korea, and his job included repairing boilers for a living. Not as exciting as fending off a Zerg Rush with the few marines you have at hand to defend your supply depots. He was a typical 'nerdy' guy, skinny with glasses. (Sounds a lot like you!)

His avid gaming obsession also ended his relationship with his "female friend" which was also a gamer. Good things don't last forever I guess right? After he lost his job, he decided to relieve some of the stress by playing a few rounds of Starcraft 2 in a internet cafe in the local area. Also, if you thought a few rounds meant two days straight with little to no sleep, then you would be absolutely correct. Smart bugger you are!

He played Starcraft for 50 consecutive hours, with only short breaks to power nap, use the bathroom and perhaps to digest a single saltine from the local bar's cigarette tray. Lee started on a Wednesday, August 3, 2005. He died on August 5.

It was like this, except with more death.

Luckily, his mother became concerned over his well-being, and asked his friends to bring him back home. Lee told his friends that he was almost done, and he would head back home once he was done with his session. After his friends left, he died a few minutes later.
Saturday, July 16, 2011

The Most Important Aspects of Torture

Torture could be defined as causing physical and/or psychological pain or suffering intentionally for the purpose of obtaining information or confession, to punish, and even to "re-educate"; Although some people may find sadistic pleasure in torturing people.

Here at Skyakes, we don't claim to advocate or endorse torture. We're here to give you the facts, and let you draw the conclusions. Torture is against the law in almost every country in the modern world today, and committing an act of torture can result in imprisonment, or even death in certain countries.

When one is looking for a act of torture to inflict upon another poor soul, some attributes one may look for are:
  • Amplify Physical Pain: Create the most amount of physical pain possible while reducing the speed that the body adjusts to the pain. In other words, create the most amount of pain without allowing the body to adjust to the pain, thereby making the pain less bearable.
  • Amplify Psychological "Pain": Instill fear/guilt/shame/humiliation into the subjects in order to "break the will" of the person(s).
  • Decrease Physical Damage: Although people generally want to increase the most pain possible, one would want to decrease the physical damage as much as possible. Why? Because:
    • The more damage one may be inflicted to, the fewer options for future torture is presented. For example, if you cut off his hands, you can't slowly remove his fingernails one by one anymore.
    • Less Evidence. Generally, they cannot put someone behind bars if they can't prove the crime happened. Therefore, if the person appears perfectly normal with zero bruises or cuts, it'll be harder to prove torture even took place.
    • Destruction of Person. You don't want to break the water pot if you're trying to get water. So if you kill the person, or damage them to the point of inability to recall the information, you cannot get the information. If information isn't what you're after, it leaves you with evidence of a committed crime.
  • Increase Opportunity: Allow the subject to be tortured repeatedly with as little time in between as possible. In other words, the sooner you can get the subject alert and awake, the more effective the torture will become. For example, if you plan to drown someone into submission, giving them ten minutes between "dunking" to catch his breath and recover would prove a waste of time. The more frequent the torture is, the more effective it can become and the faster one may get what they want.
The perfect torture would include one that would cause unimaginable/unbearable physical and psychological pain without any evidence, and could be done frequently with little to no time in between.

Some of you may be trying to think of a "torture" technique that fills all of the criteria above, and may have some problems doing such. One example that fits all of the above requirements is: Waterboarding.

Torture is a serious topic, and again, we don't advocate it. The list above is meant for educational purposes and not meant to aid one in invention of a "new method of torture".
Friday, July 15, 2011

3 Of The Most Aggressive Animals In the World

I've talked about venomous and suspiciously strong animals capable of using our thigh bones as toothpicks, but it's time to talk about animals that would never back down from a fight. If you encounter one of these animals in the wild, you better start considering which part of your body you want eaten the least, because oh boy, you will be eaten.

Although we would all love to think that most animals would just jump into our arms and give us the biggest, friendliest hug ever and call you daddy or mommy, animals don't work that way. Some animals are just waiting to kick some behinds the day they pop out of their mothers.

3. The Crotalus Atrox

"How do you do?

Strange name eh? Allow me to give you another name, the "Western Diamondback Rattlesnake". Doesn't sound like some strange island out in the ocean somewhere anymore right?

These snakes are found in the United States and in Mexico, they are also responsible for almost all of the snakebites in Northern Mexico, and almost the number one reason for snakebites behind the "Crotalus Adamanteus", but that's for another time.

These snakes can reach a mere length of about 6 feet, and less commonly, 7 feet, These buggers don't grow very long. But they do live pretty long.

The Western Diamondback Rattlesnake's expected life span is a little more than 20 years. However, people generally hate them (for reasons discussed later) and try to hunt them to extinction, so they don't really live that long. Before you go write up a petition against this type of hunting, there's a good reason for this; these snakes are known to almost never back down from a confrontation. If you try to play clever and poke around the snake with a tree branch, it'll imaginably follow you home six years later in order to repeatedly bite your children in your sleep.

These snakes will stand their ground to it's final breath. If you find yourself in a confrontation, you'll see it coil up like a rope and produce rattle sounds that will pierce your soul.
Thursday, July 14, 2011

Doing your dishes the right way

I have only ever met one person on this lovely planet who enjoys doing dishes, and she is a weird little person. Dishes are the bane of many a man's (or monkeys, they may do dishes too, don't be a species-ist) existence; They are disgusting, they are sticky, they smell terrible, they contain the remnants of your Auntie Muriel's three bean meat surprise casserole, oh, and you get to clean all of them! Might as well change your name to Lucky. Anywho, you want to be done as soon as humanly (again with humans, we need words that incorporate animals, like turtlely, or snail.) possible. And here are the ace ways to do it. Oh, one more thing, dishwashers are cheating.

I don't think I need to describe what's happening here.

1. Use soap that cuts grease - You clean dishes with soap (and if you don't, please do not clean my salad bowl with that shoe you found on the corner), but you need the right soap. Hand washing soap, standard cleaning soap or lotion infused lavender lathers will not be as effective as a dish washing, grease cutting soap, such as Dawn. This will allow you to rub down dishes effectively without too much effort to remove that delectable cheese sauce.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Horrifying Wednesday : The Human Botfly

Yep, I thought with all the recent horrifying stuff I've been posting in small doses every now and then, I would dedicated a week day just to horrifying-ness. In order to get the momentum going, I've decided to start with something already out of a science fiction movie.

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you, the Human Botfly.

Why hello there good sir.

So, so far it's not that bad right? You're probably guessing that it's venomous, or poisonous in some aspect, but in technical terms, they're actually pretty darn harmless. While I don't suggest you going around trying to find one to give a grand old hug, chances are, you can't become physically maimed/disabled by a Botfly.

These insects, highly resemble the shape and size of a bumblebee, hold the obvious color difference. However, how they reproduce now, is another story. Being a parasitic organism, a normal Botfly would target mammals such as horses, sheep, and even cats. A Human Botfly, as in it's name, targets humans for it's source of life.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Three Of The Best Snipers In History

Snipers are known to be stealthy marksmen that kill from long range, beyond the standard range of most personnel. Although modern games portray snipers as "camping around" and doing 360 degrees no-scope headshots, real life snipers require large amounts of skill and precision. Respecting that some games attempt to make snipers more realistic by accounting for bullet drop, wind resistance, and the concept that bullets don't travel completely straight all the time, they still miss the little things that still play a large role in what the bullet will hit, such as the air moisture, the amount/direction of wind between themselves and the target, bullet resistance, air density, target speed and direction, and even earth's gravity depending on how high or low they are to the earth. After all of that is accounted for, can the sniper (you?) still take the shot and remain hidden/alive?

Considering that I have this helicopter, I can make as many mistakes as I want.

I've chosen 3 individuals from history that are the best snipers, ever. Why only three? Well, obviously I can't account for every single sniper in history, and everyone has a different opinion on who's the best. So try to keep it in mind if you suddenly feel that you have been betrayed that your favorite sniper wasn't on this short list.

Carlos Hathcock, 93 confirmed kills. This man is responsible for the major development of the United States Marine Corps Sniper training program.

Hathcock was born in Arkansas on May 20, 1942. He grew up with his grandparents and even at the start of his life, he loved hunting, which in some manner helped feed his family. He used a rifle that his father brought back from World War 2, and would go to the woods to pretend to be a soldier hunting Nazis in a imaginary  Germany. Since a young age, he wanted to join the Marine Corps and thankfully, he pulled it off on the same day he turned 17, May 20th, 1962.

Unsurprisingly, Hathcock wasn't an underdog at any point of his military career, in fact he won many shooting championships back at home in Camp Perry and even won the prestigious Wimbledon Cup. After extensive training, he was sent over to Vietnam.

At first, he wanted to join the standard "scout" patrols, but he later changed his mind because his fellow Marines didn't have the hardcore, awesome woodmen skills that he had; he decided to hunt alone. However, many Marines questioned if a lone sniper would prove useful whatsoever. After 6 months and 14 confirmed kills, the Marines finally shut up. But wait! "Why so few kills?" Because the Marine Corps required a third party that had to be an Officer to confirm the kill and  since Vietnam wasn't known for being an jolly-happy dance contest all the time, it was difficult to actually confirm any kill; especially if the "kill" was behind enemy lines as it often was. (Because I don't think you would want to call a "time-out" during a raid to see if Sniper Joe killed Vietnamese Tim inside of a building full of other Vietnamese soldiers just waiting to shoot you.)

The Vietnamese army on the other hand, wasn't really happy about all their men falling like goats on a freeway, so they placed a $30,000 bounty on his life. (Usually, when the Vietnamese army wasn't happy about certain U.S. snipers, they usually put a bounty ranging from 8-2,000 dollar. Obviously, they thought that they could make a special exception for Hathcock.)

But Imagine that, if the Vietnamese army put you at 8$ per head?

Monday, July 11, 2011

How to Avoid Spiked Drinks

Good job, you've just finished college and you're graduating at the top of your school! You've been invited to make a speech at a prestigious award ceremony at the White House and it's only about six hours away! So you go the bar, and some of your arch-nemesis follow you along and using your keen hearing, you eavesdrop them talking about spiking your drink in order to make you"unavailable" for the speech in an attempt to ruin your future career. So what do you do? Do you turn around, throw a glass of liquor at them, charge and grab their arms and legs, flip them over onto the tables, then wrestle knives out of their hands, and force them to either let go of the knife, or slit their own throat, or do you keep a "keener" eye out for your foes?

He'll be impressed. Also, dead.

In a "legal-er" sense, lets just keep a keen eye on them; saying that you eavesdroped on a conversation about spiking your drink won't stand well in court against four mutilated bodies with at least twenty witnesses on scene, two security camera footage, and sixteen camera phone recordings.
  • Prefer unopened cans and bottles. Try not to accept any unopened cans or bottles from anyone. If you're going to have anyone open your cans or bottles, have it done in front of you, by a trusted friend, bartender, waiter, or waitress.
  • Note strange tasting or discolored drinks. From your extensive career in drinking fluids, you should be able to tell the difference between a normal coke/pepsi and a purple-colored cyanide concoction. Note that many "date-rape" drugs are usually colorless, odorless, and tasteless.
  • Always keep your eye(s) on your drink. They can't sneak anything funny in your drink if you stare intently at it for sixteen hours straight. At the very least, keep your drink in front of you all times.
  • Don't leave your drinks unattended. Don't go off to the little boys room every six minutes and leave your drink unattended for anyone to insert anything into your drink.
  • Don't share drinks. Even with trusted friends. For all you know, someone could be trying to rape your foolish, careless friends, only to have you drink the spiked drink in a frenzy of sharing.
  • Examine your drink before drinking. If you see unusual bubbling, fizzling, or even half-dissolved pills in the bottom of your drink, don't drink it. Perhaps you left it on the counter, does it look tampered with? Did someone move your cup slightly to the right, or adjust your straw?
  • Keep your palm over the open side of your cup. Don't hold it like a hipster with your hands on the sides, hold it with your hand on top. With your hand on top, it'll suddenly become a hundred times harder to sneak anything into your drinks while you are holding it. (When you're getting drunk, your alertness will suffer, during this time, someone could excrete feces into your cup without you knowing.)*
  • Go to bars with friends. Not only does this result in a good game of beer pong, but having someone watching your back, makes it harder to kidnap you.
*experiences vary

Elevator Etiquette

The 45th floor is your destination. You are on the first floor. Stairs, anybody? Five hundred steps and you've arrived at that very important thing you had to do quite sweaty! Is that any way to make a good impression? Thankfully, buildings of such magnitude contain the modern marvel that is elevators. A moderately sized rectangular prism specifically designed for your vertical aspirations. Away we go upon this mystical contraption, along with 53.8 other people crammed into the 4 by 4 foot space. So, how does one act while crushed against a mailman, the guy from your middle school, and the one that ate garlic for breakfast. To the list!

What you'll look like if you take the stairs.

1. Smile, inwardly and outwardly - If you are the first on the elevator, smile at anyone who makes eye contact. It instantly relieves tension, and yes, there can be a lot of tension in that tiny cube of ascension. If you enter with others on it, smile if they look at you. This can be a great way to make conversation. Keep an inward smile, be positive if someone enters the elevator, as happy or unhappy as they seem. If anything, a smile will unwind everyone, unless they like frowning. Then they will hate you.

Skyakes Revamp!

What's this new sensual template doing here? Well it might have something to do with our extreme-revamp. Why is it extreme? Not because it's a massively life-altering, but because its hardcore like six rocks tied onto the end of a rope made of goat skin.

Out with the old, in with the new!

Well, other then the new-fresh look, what else is new you might ask?

  • Two new picture-hacks. (I'll show you these in the next few post!)
  • A new "associate"! That's right, Skyakes isn't just becoming another slowly dying blog on the verge of collapse, now it's a collaboration of two people running a dying blog on the verge of collapse. Just kidding about the collapse and dying part though.
    • The fresh-meat or more politely, the new gentlemen that will be joining us will hopefully bring some fresh air and insight into the room.
    • His name is Eddard. Feel free to parade him with balloons and fast cars.
Any ways, with our new staff, we should be able to pump out more quality content, and instead of enjoying one article with a cuppa tea, you can now enjoy two teas. -insert questionable music-

Expect some new things* coming your way as we adjust towards this change for the better!

*New things may include one or more of the following: increased content, improved quality of content, cancer, diabetes, skin blemishes, multiple cyst, hot air balloons and/or pink colored ovals.

7/11/11 Free Slurpee Day

Woah, the date of today looks just like that major store chain. What a coincidental date that only you have noticed. Oh wait, so did 7/11. In honor and celebration of this special date, in which the date itself advertises 7 eleven; 7 eleven is making this Monday, "Free Slurpee Day"

Take two, I won't tell anyone. -wink-

The massive chain is giving out 7.11 fluid ounces of Slurpee for free until midnight today. With about 15 different 7 Eleven locations in New York City, it's going to be a busy day.

Why not take advantage of this offer, and visit all 15 of them today? That's 106.65 fluid once's.

Don't take your time though, many people are going to try to take advantage of this offer, and the free Slurpee only stands as long as they have it in stock. Don't wait till 5 minutes before midnight to ask if they still have anymore Slurpees left. It's estimated that they will give out about 5 million free Slurpee's nation-wide, make sure you're a part of that 5 million enjoying a ice cold beverage of ice on this warm summer afternoon.

 7 Eleven's promotion, while sounding like a bad idea for the major chain, actually benefits them thanks to the increase in sales when people line up for their free Slurpee. Also, after you get your free Slurpee, it'll simply feel wrong not to buy another one. I mean, won't it feel like practically stealing? How would you sleep tonight? Think of the children!

In final note, why not get a map of all the 7 Eleven stores in NYC, and go for a hike towards all 15 destinations?
Sunday, July 10, 2011

How to Choose a Bad Password

Feel too secure? Feel like you're being cramped and stuffed with six or seven passwords of letters, numbers and symbols? Fear not! I'll help you pick a very simple to remember for every account you have access to. Having your personal information secure is too mainstream, cooler indie companies don't even have front doors! Live obliviously in glee with your fellow kinsmen in a victorious march towards equality!

When you only have four buttons on your computer, you don't have many options.

Now, how do we choose an bad password? Although we could all love to have password-less accounts, big evil capitalist giants force us to secure our account.

1. First off, use simple corresponding numbers. For example, 1234, 12345, 123456, 1234567, 12345678, 123456789. That'll show those corrupt internet organizations bent on making profit out of your own in-securities who's boss!

2. What's that? Those numbers are too difficult to remember? Better yet, use your own username as your password. If your account name to your WoW account is "sexybeastcourage1567" your password will be "sexbeastcourage1567".

3. Can't even remember your account name without "auto-fill" eh? Well, let's try your birth date okay? If your birthday is 1/21/05, then your password is 12105. Sometimes, your friends need to access your account for various life-threatening reasons, and using this password will allow them to do so for the better of mankind!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

How to Get Rid Of Revolting Breath

Bad breath eh? Your breath smells like six decaying otters and decomposed human feces mixed with cat tails eh? Well, I may just be able to help you out.

Disgusting! I mean, look at that hair!

Although most of the time, the problem may be obvious, sometimes people don't even know their breath makes you want to commit manslaughter in a extremely violent fashion towards them. So in order to avoid nice Uncle Rick from becoming Convicted of Manslaughter Uncle Rick, lets make sure you don't have bad breath.
  • The best/simplest possible way is to ask someone. It doesn't hurt to turn to your left/right and ask the person next to you. Heck, it doesn't hurt to go downstairs and ask your mom. Do us all a favor and ask someone for confirmation.
It also doesn't hurt to stop making stupid faces, this guy thinks he's better then me or something!

Now, how do we get rid of this curse of infidelity bad breath?
  • Clean your tongue. Doctors tell you you brush your teeth all the time, but do they really take the time to tell you to clean your tongue? It's common knowledge that your tongue takes up more space then your teeth inside of your mouth. It's like a fuzzy carpet in your houses front door, all the microbes will most likely collect there as you go on with your day. In emergency cases while eating with your girlfriends/boyfriends parents, you can technically use a spoon to "scrape" your tongue.
    • Thankfully, most toothbrush nowadays have tongue cleaners on the back of the 'handy device'. If you aren't fortunate enough to have one, you can simply brush your tongue after you brush your teeth.
  • Floss. This won't simply help your breath but your general oral health as well. Why not get some bacon-flavored floss and have the time of your life? A warning though, your gums will bleed due to the fact that you don't floss often, not like gushes and fountains of blood, but it might get messy if you floss too hard/violently. (If you find that your gums are bleeding, and you've floss beyond your gums and have reached the bones of your mouth, perhaps you should go a little bit lighter, also you should go to the emergency room.)
Friday, July 8, 2011

4 Animals You Never Want To Meet

Animals? Shucks, those nice little puppies and cats? Why wouldn't I want to meet them? Because some animals are freaking hardcore, that's why. For the past thousands of years, we've been on the top of food chain, our cities and technology kept us on top, and salmon down in the river. Now despite of that, if I put you in a locked box with one of the the following animals, let's say the outcome won't be pretty. Now here's four animals you probably wouldn't want to wake up next to.

The list below is in no particular order.

The American Bear
"Look what I found just LAYING in the river! What great luck!"

Well, this is a no-brainer right? In our case, we're looking at the American Black Bear. Patriotic right?

The American Black Bear, is the most commonly found bear in, (Guess.) North America. These beast, are actually America's smallest species of bear, but that doesn't keep them from using your shins as toothpicks after eating you.

American Black Bears can weigh around 300 pounds depending on which coast you're on they can weigh a bit more, or less. Although some of the largest American Black Bears have reached the weight of 880 pounds, so make sure you don't find your way under one. They're known to be able to flip rocks weighing about 318 pounds with a single paw, so yeah, I think they might be able to pick you up with their pinkie-paw.

Well, I know what you're thinking in your head, "Sure he's strong, but can he run as fast as me?" Well shucks, I guess you're right. Oh wait, bears can run 25-30 miles per an hour. Some of the trained "world record breaking" athletics can reach the speeds of 27 mph, so chances are, you're not outrunning this Black Bear.

Lucky for you, American Black Bears tend to be considered relatively "safe". These bears rarely attack during human encounters. They tend to limit themselves to fake charges, swatting the ground angrily, and making loud blowing noises. But that doesn't mean you should charge up at the next bear you see as if you're Chuck Norris or something. If they decide to lay down justice, they will lay down justice.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Everyday Tips: How to use There, Their, and They're Properly

One of the most popular errors in english grammar is the improper use of  there, their, and they're. Since all three of them are pronounced the same way, people often use the wrong one at the wrong time.

There are zero bodies under these nails. Guaranteed.
Remember that "they're" is a contraction of "they" and "are". "They're" can only be used as the subject or verb in a sentence, in other words, the person or the thing doing an action, or the action itself.

  • They're/(They are) building a sandcastle.
  • They're/(They are) eating a big sandwich.
  • I can't believe they're/(They are) closing the shop.
  • There cool! (They're cool/They are cool)
  • There going to laugh at my jokes! (They're going to laugh at my jokes!/They are going to laugh at my jokes!)
Tip: If you have problems with "they're" write out the entire word as "they are" instead of "they're".

Use "there" when referring to a place. It can also be used with the verb "be" (is, am, are, was, were) to indicate something exist, or to mention something for the first time.

  • The house is over there. (Basic "place" example.)
  • Is he over there?
  • I am going to go over there.
  • You are going to go over there.
  • Was he over there?
  • We were going to go over there.
Tip: You can find "here" inside of the word "there". Use "here" to remind you that you're talking about a location.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011

How to Deal With Mosquito Bites

Yesterday I took a short walk at a nearby park, I was having a nice day, and suddenly, ouch! My pinkie knuckle was suddenly pricked by a stinger of a darn mosquito! (I guess mosquito are attracted to pure muscle. Just kidding.) Anyways, how do we deal with these itchy monstrous red bumps?!


  • Wash the affected area. We don't want remaining saliva and irritants just standing around near the bitten area, wash it off! (With soap!)
  • Put ice on the bitten area. After a mosquito bite, we usually don't feel anything in that spot for a period of time, if you place ice on it before you do, you can decrease swelling and pain. It's usually preferred to wrap a towel around the ice to prevent frostbite when you apply it to affected areas.
  • Rub baking soda and water onto the affected area. (Remember, rub. Don't allow your rubbing result in severely strong scratching, you'll increase swelling.) Put enough baking soda and water to form a paste.
  • Crush aspirin and water to create a paste as well, rub on affected area.
  • Rub the inside gooey part of the banana peel onto the mosquito bite. Repeat as needed.
  • Don't scratch the bite. Scratching the bite may result in infection or even scarring.
  • Dab toothpaste onto the bite to reduce pain and itchiness.

How to Sleep During a Hot Night

Yeah, I hear your angry moans of hate as you flip in your bed shaking your fist at the horrible heat. In fact, I've done the same for the past two days. It's been hot! Well, it's about time to tell nature who's boss! Nature doesn't tell us when to sleep, we tell nature when it sleeps. *Puts on sunglasses*

If your bed looks like this, you may want to lose a few pillows.

Note: We are assuming you cannot/don't use/own an air conditioner.

"Active" methods. These methods will get you cooler quicker but will last only for a pre-determined amount of time.

1. Simulate "AC". Purchase a bag of ice, or make your own, then place ice into a shallow bowl. Place the shallow bowl in front of a fan facing your direction. The ice will surprisingly decrease the air temperature as the fan blows the newly cooled air towards you. While it won't make the temperature suddenly become -55 degrees, it'll be a lot cooler.

Monday, July 4, 2011

How to Avoid Bedbugs

<Insert dramatic music here>

An adult bedbug, and a baby bedbug.

Yep, the dreaded bedbugs. The one nightmare both men and women face. Either you're terrified of the creatures themselves, or the damage and the nests they can build. Imagine sleeping in your bed, and once you fall asleep, thousands of the buggers crawl out the bed and suck on your blood leaving nothing but unpleasant red marks all over your thighs, arms, belly.

How can we avoid such rude and unappreciative guest? Well first, we need to identify what they look like. Don't start burning your house down after you think you saw a bedbug, it might have been Uncle Rick or Aunt Martha.

WARNING: After editing this post, and taking another look at the horrifying pictures I selected, I strongly suggest not finishing this article, I mean some of the pictures I found, were so horrible, and gave me such large goosebumps, that I myself will be unable to sleep comfortably tonight. If you think the picture below is a "little" terrifying, which isn't, you'll be horrified to the point in which you cannot describe your emotions without mentioning "horrifying" multiple times. Turn back while your eyes have yet to be scarred.

They don't even contribute to the rent!
Sunday, July 3, 2011

The Magical Mysteries of HardTack

What's hardtack you may ask, though it sounds awfully like an very tough tic tac's, it's actually isn't. Hardtack is a magical food of mystery, as previous stated. Hardtack in laymen terms, is a biscuit or cracker made with simple ingredients, such as flour, water, and sometimes a little salt.

What's that? Is that loud mocking I hear? What do you mean there's nothing interesting about a good ol' biscuit? What if I told you that hardtack was made to last years, if not decades of little to no maintenance? You don't even 'have' to toss it in the fridge to keep cool, in fact; Hardtack is mainly famous for it's use during the civil war, you might even be able to go to museums and see some olden times hardtack that has yet to decay!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Quick Tip! 4

Quick Tip! Tips which are quick! How to get rid of a stuffy nose. We've all gotten it; It feels like someone is pinching your nose closed, and you're suddenly forced to take much deeper and harder breaths to get that precious oxygen you need. Now how do we get rid of it? Call back that witch doctor you met three days ago that cursed you for ruining his crops? Nope, I'll give you some tips to help it go away.

His nose is so swollen, it's as hard as rock. (See what I did there? Hahahahahah.)

Friday, July 1, 2011

Common Tips to Avoid Getting Pickpocketed When Visiting Foreign Countries

You could get pick pocketed at any given time. You never know when you could be walking out of an airport and the next thing you know, all your belongings have been stolen from you after a gentle push in the middle of a busy interstate. Professional pickpocketer's can steal the clothes off your body, they can steal your tie, your belt, even your shoes!

You never know when you could end up barefooted and walking the rope.

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