Saturday, July 23, 2011

Five Words To Use To Instantly Make You Sound Intelligent At Anything

1."I ain't feelin so up ter goin to the discotheque this night."
2."I am not so moved as to enjoy our usual avocation upon this eve, perhaps a fortnight from now?"

Wouldn't you confess that the first is an utter asinine use of the English language, as well as it sounding distinctly dripping of an ignorant impudence?! (Except for the use of discotheque, that word is the definition of elegance and class.) Perhaps you may even be thinking "Oh no, I talk like that!" Not to worry, for Eddard's guide to Ostentatious and Sumptuous Words is here to help! Here lies five choice words of uncommon yet exquisite English jargon for your use to instantly brighten the room and your intelligence! Boom.

But first, people enjoying a discotheque

1. Garrulous - Definition: excessively talkative in a rambling, roundabout manner, especially about trivial matters
Have a chatty special someone who just won't quite fasten their oral cavity? Call them garrulous! In a very kind and sneaky fashion of course, like so: Marty, you know you are such a garrulous guy sometimes. Poor Marty will think this is most probably synonymous to hilarious because Marty does believe he is the funniest man upon this terrene. Everyone around you and Marty will also laugh, because they too do not know the meaning of the word. Unless you, Marty, and the arbitrary crowd of onlookers all attend Harvard. Instead try loquacious, that one works in a pinch just as well.

2. Evanescence - Definition: to disappear gradually; vanish; fade away
Evanescence, a word that is much too convoluted upon its spelling to attain the mediocrity of the word's simple definition, but I digress. Commonly in hair cutting institutions, a fade is used in many cuts. Try asking for a high top evanesce the next time you want to not only look funky fresh but sound incredibly well educated, you ivy leaguer you! Other times it can be used is during the sunset, as time winds down to leave work, and also your hair line.

Oh no! Cranial follicular evanescence!

3. Vehement - Definition: zealous, ardent, impassioned
A word commonly used in literature, it's time for a glorious and vindictive return to the forefront of modern English lexicon. Oh dear! I'm being vehement of the word Vehement! How impetuous! But I digress again. Use Vehement and its variations (Vehemently, Vehemence) to describe anything or anyone who's just a bit too much. Like your friend who like picking his nose: Johnny, your vehement picking of your nose makes me quite uncomfortable and ardent against digits of the hand within your olfactory organ.
Yeah, Johnny's going to be impressed.

4. Esoteric - Definition: understood by or meant for only the select few who have special knowledge or interest; recondite
I know, recondite is another word which you have no idea what that is, but that's okay because recondite means something that is difficult to understand! Oh, the irony, it doth slayeth my wits! Esoteric is an excellent word to use amongst friends with inside jokes, as well as to use against people who have no idea what you're talking about, as well as with using these fancy words whose meanings escape them, like so:

You: Marty you're being quite an impertinent stooge today.
Marty: What's that mean?
You: It's Esoteric.
Marty: Wow you're smart, please marry me.

Not only have you succeeded in outsmarting Marty again, you've also found a soul mate. Well done!

5. Bee's Knees - Definition: an excellent or ideally suitable person or thing
Ahh, the Bee's Knees. While it is technically two words, it is a phrase that can be used anywhere to not only make you sound undeniably brilliant, but cool as well. Bee's Knees had it's popularity in the Roaring Twenties, a time of cars, money and flappers. So why should we bring it in normal conversation? Because it sounds like this:

Marty: Wow, she's gorgeous!
Johnny: No no, she's resplendent!
Me: Actually, she's the Bee's Knees.

Yup, that girl came over and danced with me that night, but I digress thrice fold now. So, is there any other reason you need than Bee's Knees being the coolest word tandem ever? I didn't think so.

So here is my guide to sounding ostentatious and sumptuous. I know, it's quite magnificent. Is it just me or everything just seems a bit more erudite around here. You're welcome you undistinguished codswallop!

This discotheque is the Bee's Knees. I know, that is the most finely worded statement in human history.

End Note: Thanks and recognition to, who provided all definitions written here and also own the aforementioned definitions. Thanks again!


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