Wednesday, July 20, 2011

3 Foods You'll Never Afford

In this time of age, if your car isn't plated with pure gold, then you're practically equivalent to a homeless man. Foods are no different, if you're not eating ice cream with emeralds, then you must be eating dried mud cakes. I mean, what's the point of continued existence if you aren't eating a middle classes year wage for brunch?

Almas Caviar

Almas Caviar is probably one of the most expensive foods you can possibly buy. This magical food comes from Iran and the only known place that sells it is in London, England and since they are the only ones that sell it, they can do pretty much do any gosh darn thing they want.

As a short history lesson, Caviar used to be "peasants" food but as we all know, has taken a turn in the present time period. As lobster used to be like "cockroaches" of the sea, Caviar was considered food for the low class. Why? Possibly because this exclusive food is in laymen's terms, processed, salted, internal ovaries or eggs. (Non-fertilized of course, otherwise you'll have little hatching baby fishes going about everywhere.)

It's like pearls made out of dead baby fishes! Wonderful!  

As I've said before the only place that sells "Almas Caviar" is in London, England, and is called "Caviar House &  Prunier in London England's Picadilly". (Because when you sell the world's most expensive anything, you can pretty much get away with naming your store anything.)

Thanks to their exclusive rights to sell this special treat, you can purchase a kilo of it for the cheap price of  $25,000. Just to make sure you're aware how much it's worth, it comes in a 24-karat gold tin. If you're a cheapstake, they offer the same caviar for about $1,290 in a smaller tin. (A 3.9 pound container will cost you $48,750, which is basically a middle-class person's yearly income!)

The prices ranges according to quality. In general, the lighter the color, the more expensive it is. If you plan on purchasing a few hundred tins, remember that Caviar has short shelf-life, so be prepared to go to bed with a full stomach. Altogether, you could probably buy a car with that type of money. But who wants a car right?

Grand Opulence Sundae

The idea of eating fish eggs/ovaries is too much for you eh? A good old sundae would help settle your stomach? A standard over-the-counter vanilla ice cream won't do. Why not get a slightly more expensive sundae located at Serendipity 3 in NYC? It's a bit more local then London, don't you think?

The Golden Opulence Sundae is the world's most expensive sundae. At the price of $1,000 you're getting your money's worth. Literally.

The sundae can boast five scoops of the richest Tahitian vanilla bean ice cream money can buy, which is covered with 23-karat edible gold. (Yeah, you'll be eating freaking gold. Imagine how much your poop will be worth after?)

The Sundae uses top-notch Amedei Porcelana, the most expensive chocolate in the world, as the chocolate syrup, and includes gold covered almonds, flakes of gold, a leaf of gold, and even gold colored caviar.

While you're at it, you get to keep the the baccarat harcourt crystal goblet that it comes served in. So you'll have proof to your friends that you spent a few months worth of your wages to enjoy a sundae.

To put the frosting on the cake, you get to eat the sundae with a 18-karat gold spoon. (Although I don't think you get to keep the spoon, so bummers!) But you'll always have that story in which you ate a thousand dollar sundae covered in gold with a gold spoon like a boss king.

*Insert Zelda Finding Treasure Music Here*

Lastly, if you manage to cough out enough money to pay for one, you must order it 48 hours in advance to allow the preparations to be made in order to actually make the sundae. Only about one person a month purchase this special treat, presumably because people tend to like their money.

Kopi Luwak

Woah, it's been a crazy ride, I bet you're thirsty; Here, try some "Kopi Luwak" coffee. Tastes good? Want a pound-worth of beans? I doubt you have 3000$ dollars on hand.

Kopi Luwak is one of the most expensive coffee beans, with the lowest production of beans in the world. You might be wondering why these coffee beans are treasured so greatly; It's how they're harvested that makes the biggest difference.

These things don't grow on trees, in metaphoric way. A cat-like animal called the "Asian Palm Civet" wanders around eating berries and pulpy fruits. One day, they end up eating a bunch of "Coffee Cherries" which spend a day and a half inside of the little critter. After the allotted time, the beans are excreted back out along with the critter's feces.

Basically, a cat walks around like a boss and eats things. The cat eats a coffee cherry, and poops it out. We take the bean and we brew coffee. Hardcore.

"You brew coffee out of my excrement?!"

The Asian Palm Civet doesn't completely digest the bean, but body enzymes help ferment the beans and make them actually 'work' as a coffee bean. After the bean is "harvested" though, the beans are thoroughly cleaned, and when roasting the bean to make coffee, almost all organisms are basically killed. (You murderer!)

Think of the children!

As one can imagine, people don't tend to enjoy walking around, following cats, and waiting to collect their feces. Obviously they must be well-paid, and they are. But if you simply can't afford to buy a bag of beans and brew it yourself, then worry not! You can simply purchase a single cup at the cheap rate of about $30 per one cup of coffee.

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