Thursday, July 28, 2011

Hippopotamuses Wants You Dead

Better known as simply "Hippos", they are one of the most aggressive animals in the world. For unknown reasons, this animal was misplaced in our previous post about "the most aggressive animals in the world". Worry not, we shall cover this vile beast below!

Hippopotamus, you mean those cut-, littl-, lovel-, you got me. They're simply horrible. One does not use the words "Hipoptamus", and "cute" in the same sentence. Because they're not. If you have never seen a Hippo in real life, here's a picture of one.

I lied, here's about eleven. Enjoy.

As you can see, they look like giant water pigs. Not really appealing. The average hippo can weigh 3650 pounds. If you stack 6 Hippos together, you'll have the weight of a bus. (Although, older male hippos can weigh almost 10,000 pounds.They can become 11 to 17 feet long, which is almost as long as four people lying down toe to face on the ground.

"¿No estoy de acuerdo con tu política, me parece muy divertida?" Apparently, they don't speak very good Spanish.

The good thing is, since they weigh so much, there's no way that it can outrun me right? Except, Hippos can run up to 30 miles per hour. Considering that a average man can consistently run at 6 miles per hour, while a professional sprinter can reach up to 25 miles per hour, they'll probably outrun you any day.

Most of the time, you may find a Hippo simply splashing around in the water, trying to keep it's body temperature low in the African heat, or possibly grazing in the grass, feeding off its primary food source without a care in the world. At any other time, you can probably find one being hardcore and eating crocodiles for brunch.

"Remember me as a hero!"

Hippopotamuses are known by nature to be very aggressive animals. Did you hear that? By nature. You know not to mess with animals that nature intended to kill everyone within reach. But perhaps Hippos have a soft spot for humans, perhaps they'll only attack predators that prey on their young such as Crocodiles, Lions, and Spotted Hyenas?

Fun fact, Hippopotamuses are especially aggressive towards humans. They've been known to attack boats for no reason other then to eat your arms. In fact, even lions tend to be smart enough to know that if you kill a defenseless human, more of them will come back, with magical devices that propel metal rocks into your head. However, Hippopotamuses don't give a darn.
Inside of his mouth, you can see his human bone collection. As you can see, he is a avid collector.

If they don't instantly kill you after spotting you a mile away, they'll do other horrible things. You could say that they are "coprophilia". One activity that they enjoy, and that we might not appreciate is, spinning their tails in rapid, quick succession as they excrete their feces, in order to achieve maximal dispersal of excrement. Basically, they spin their tails around to spread poop everywhere to show dominance. 

They have been known to partake in "dung showering", which isn't as pleasant as it sounds. (If it sounds pleasant at all, of course.) "Dung showering" includes spraying feces and urine all over the place to dominate their peers, and to mark their territory. The human equivalent of this would be teens flexing their muscles at parties in front of girls.

Awwwwwww Yeeaaah!

As aggressive as they are, Hippos rarely kill each other. They tend to stop fighting after it becomes clear which Hippo to stronger. Perhaps they have more sense then our "fun loving male teenagers".

Even though Hippos are portrayed as bald, clumsy, fat animals in cartoons and in pop culture, be aware that if you see on in real life, it won't simply stumble towards you and trip over its own weight. If it decides that you're big enough of a pest for him/her to take care of, they'll certainly get the job done.





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