Saturday, July 9, 2011

How to Get Rid Of Revolting Breath

Bad breath eh? Your breath smells like six decaying otters and decomposed human feces mixed with cat tails eh? Well, I may just be able to help you out.

Disgusting! I mean, look at that hair!

Although most of the time, the problem may be obvious, sometimes people don't even know their breath makes you want to commit manslaughter in a extremely violent fashion towards them. So in order to avoid nice Uncle Rick from becoming Convicted of Manslaughter Uncle Rick, lets make sure you don't have bad breath.
  • The best/simplest possible way is to ask someone. It doesn't hurt to turn to your left/right and ask the person next to you. Heck, it doesn't hurt to go downstairs and ask your mom. Do us all a favor and ask someone for confirmation.
It also doesn't hurt to stop making stupid faces, this guy thinks he's better then me or something!

Now, how do we get rid of this curse of infidelity bad breath?
  • Clean your tongue. Doctors tell you you brush your teeth all the time, but do they really take the time to tell you to clean your tongue? It's common knowledge that your tongue takes up more space then your teeth inside of your mouth. It's like a fuzzy carpet in your houses front door, all the microbes will most likely collect there as you go on with your day. In emergency cases while eating with your girlfriends/boyfriends parents, you can technically use a spoon to "scrape" your tongue.
    • Thankfully, most toothbrush nowadays have tongue cleaners on the back of the 'handy device'. If you aren't fortunate enough to have one, you can simply brush your tongue after you brush your teeth.
  • Floss. This won't simply help your breath but your general oral health as well. Why not get some bacon-flavored floss and have the time of your life? A warning though, your gums will bleed due to the fact that you don't floss often, not like gushes and fountains of blood, but it might get messy if you floss too hard/violently. (If you find that your gums are bleeding, and you've floss beyond your gums and have reached the bones of your mouth, perhaps you should go a little bit lighter, also you should go to the emergency room.)
  • Keep your mouth wet. A dry mouth will encourage growth of the little buggers. The saliva in your mouth helps wash away some of the bacteria, and contains antibacterial properties.
  • Low-carb diets may result in "ketone breath". Basically, it means that your mouth will smell of unpleasant death.
Actually, it might be pleasant.
  • "Fasting" or plainly not eating can result in bad breath. Perhaps you haven't eaten for the past few days, and you have a very important interview with the President of the World, perhaps you should eat a few bananas and eggs?
  • If no matter what you do, that breath stays, you can attempt to mask the smell of dying mice with things such as candy, mints or even dark coffee. Though, be reminded that these are temporary fixes, and the problem may return chronically. Mouthwash can provide a temporary fix for a few hours, but may still save your day occasionally.
  • If no matter what you do, your breath still smells like dying hobos, see the doctor. You might have various types of conditions that may have lead to "bad breath" possibly even diabetes or even tonsil stones.

Protip: If you've been digesting one or more of the following in large qualities: dying hobos, decaying cats/dogs/rats/cats/horses/animals, human/cat/dog/animal feces, or miscellaneous domestic animal parts; It may contribute to your breath problem, also your psychological health in a negative sense.

Also, not looking like this kid might help.

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