Sunday, July 10, 2011

How to Choose a Bad Password

Feel too secure? Feel like you're being cramped and stuffed with six or seven passwords of letters, numbers and symbols? Fear not! I'll help you pick a very simple to remember for every account you have access to. Having your personal information secure is too mainstream, cooler indie companies don't even have front doors! Live obliviously in glee with your fellow kinsmen in a victorious march towards equality!

When you only have four buttons on your computer, you don't have many options.

Now, how do we choose an bad password? Although we could all love to have password-less accounts, big evil capitalist giants force us to secure our account.

1. First off, use simple corresponding numbers. For example, 1234, 12345, 123456, 1234567, 12345678, 123456789. That'll show those corrupt internet organizations bent on making profit out of your own in-securities who's boss!

2. What's that? Those numbers are too difficult to remember? Better yet, use your own username as your password. If your account name to your WoW account is "sexybeastcourage1567" your password will be "sexbeastcourage1567".

3. Can't even remember your account name without "auto-fill" eh? Well, let's try your birth date okay? If your birthday is 1/21/05, then your password is 12105. Sometimes, your friends need to access your account for various life-threatening reasons, and using this password will allow them to do so for the better of mankind!

4. Don't even remember your own birthday? Your're actually six years old eh? Well, don't stress it, kids and the internet is a perfect combination, make a few friends on the road, learn some new things. But what are you going to write for your "Adult Dating" account's password? Why not make your password your favorite pet? Get good ol' Rufus some internet-fame by changing all your passwords to his name.

5. Never had a pet? Parents didn't trust you enough? Try a loved ones name. Never hurts to show your appreciation towards your parents/cousins/uncles/aunts/nephews/brothers/sisters/"friends" by using their name as your password.

6. No loved ones? You had a bad case on the mondays, and all your friends fell down a suspiciously placed hole? We ain't here to judge, but try using one of the following most common passwords:

  • abc123
  • 123-4-5-6-7-8-9 (Anywhere from 123, to 123456789)
  • iloveyou
  • qwerty
  • letmein
  • monkey
  • Password

7. Oh? They're all too long? Sorry bugger, but here's my final suggestion. Try your name, your full name, your first name, your last name, or even your middle name! Everyone that knows your name will suddenly be overcome by warm fuzzy feelings of getting to know you, and your bank account password.

Don't let my limited imagination limit you! You can use any easily guessed password you want!

Final Note: There you go, it never hurts to insist to the banker to change your pin number to 1234. How dare other people tell you to be -insert sarcastic air-quotes-"secure". Don't allow people to persuade you, or pressure you into picking assorted passwords using different symbols and characters because your information will be stolen otherwise. What are they, threatening you? Sue their wallets dry! Hold on, suing people is a bit too mainstream, let's write a strongly worded letter directed at them, with bold underlines under very heavily worded illegal threats that even serial killing psychopaths wouldn't do.

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