Wednesday, July 27, 2011

How to Annoy All of Your Friends on Facebook

Facebook? A book in which exquisite faces are placed in alphabetic order based on their series of letters that identify them as a individual? What great luck! Facebook has over 750 million users, and if you're reading this, you're probably a part of that population.

Statistically, average people have 130 friends in total. That's a bit too much right? Who needs a hundred thirty people who like you? Below, I'll help you "cut the fat" from you long friends list. Perhaps by the end of the month, you'll have more enemies then friends; That's when life really gets interesting.

  •  Post like you're on twitter. Post status updates no less then once every hour. Everyone needs to know where you are and what you're doing, even if you're just brushing your teeth. If you found a song you like, or farted briefly, feel free to share it with the rest of the world.
  • Post links, songs, stories, pictures on your profile frequently. Also, try to make status updates with philosophical truths you've found on the internet, and/or discovered yourself recently. Here are some examples:
    • "Earth is only a speck in the universe"
    • "We are essentially useless"
    • "We can't change the past, so look towards the future"
You'll instantly look like this towards your peers.

  • Spam application updates to all your friends. If possible, invite them yourself. Doesn't everyone love the warm fuzzy feeling of being wanted in the world? Everyone loves getting twenty notifications about that poor sheep that needs some love on Farmville. Make sure to set all your settings to fire posts towards your friends every time you level up or get a new item. All your friends will envy you forever!
  • Invite all your friends to groups supporting or advocating stupid things. First thing in the morning, your friends probably get online and say to themselves, 
    • "Hey, I wonder what quirky fun-filled things -insert your name here- has in store for me! Hookey buckwash! I must support the fight against idiots/spammers/pokemon/hackers/trollers! Good thing my good friend has brought this to my attention! I shall send my friend sixty dollars with my paypal account immediately!"
  • Talk to everyone on facebook chat the instant they get online. Preferably, use one worded vague answers. Try to use as much internet slang as possible. While you're at it, use improper grammar and spelling. It never hurts to go one step and beyond. Below is an example:
    • "Uh, yeah. What's up man?
    • You: "nothing much. lol play COD yet?"
    • "What's COD?"
    • You: "lol noob"
    • "Ok...?"
    • You: "xd"
    • "This conversation isn't going anywhere"
    • You: "I noe right?
    • "So what are you doing right now?"
    • You: "not much."
    • "Uhhh, have you seen what happened in China?"
    • You: "no"
    • "Mmmmm, where are you right now?
    • You: "home"
    • "I don't think we can be friends anymore."
    • You: "aw"
  • Can't think of any other vague thing that nobody cares about? Post song lyrics! Use them to convey your current emotions. Make sure to post them without credits or an author's name. This way, some girls may think you're "deep", and instantly go out with a date with you.
    • You: *Song Lyrics*
    • Good Looking Female Friend: "wow, that's pretty deep. Did you write this?"
    • You: "ofc babe."
    • Good Looking Female Friend: "Have my babies."
"And that's how I met your mother." ©CBS
  • Tag pictures with everyone single person you know, regardless if they were actually there. This way, everybody gets to know how wasted you go last night. Your future employers will certainly appreciate a fun-loving, hard-working employee.
  • Here's a general tip, use caps 200% more efficiently. People have been under using the beautiful all-upper-case font since the dawn of time. Try using complete caps all the time, LIKE THIS. THAT WAY, IT'S LIKE YOU'RE SCREAMING BEING AWESOME ALL THE TIME.
  • Be a boy. Being a girl let's you get away with post such as, "lol my leg is itchty :(", or "so bored!". Being a girl will result in sudden interest from multiple male friends despite the quality of the post. If possible, try to be born a boy.
  • Take as many quizzes as possible, and be sure to post your results on your status. I mean, doesn't everyone want to know if they're a "Edward", or a "Bella"?
  • Post jokes and stories from other sources. This way, you'll sound extremely interesting, and date-able. Every girl want's to date that Vietnam war veteran that climbed Mount Everest Seven times, flew around the would six times, defeated the Russian Mafia, took down the world's top drug trafficker, and wrote sixty different stories ranging from seven different centuries and continents.

I couldn't help not putting this picture randomly into this article.

We wanted to give you a few common tactics that one may use intentionally, or intentionally that will help you achieve fewer friends. Feel free to share other "tactics" that are equally effective as the ones above that you've done yourself, or experienced from another person.

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