Friday, June 24, 2011

Some Much More Manlier Challenges : For the Manlier Man

So I figured, drinking a a few glasses of milk and eating some crackers isn't "challenge-ly" enough. Thereore, I'll compile a list of feats of manliness. If you thought eating six crackers under a minute was hard, turn away now. In fact, turn off your computer and just leave the room, otherwise keep on reading.

I couldn't find a manly enough picture, so here's about 10 Siberian Huskies.


1. The Naga Jolokia.

This isn't your great aunts spicy tuna casserole; it's the hottest naturally occurring pepper known to man. Don't expect to be popping these like popcorn at the next sports game because in reality, the Naga Jolokia pops you in the next sports game. (See what I there did? Hahahahahahaha.)

This ain't the little "weak-sauce" pepper you
put on your mid-day pizza.
The Naga Jolokia is nicknamed the "Ghost Pepper". Presumably because after you eat the pepper, you physically and/or psychologically die.

The Naga Jolokia is rated at over 855,000 Scoville heat units. What is a Scoville heat unit? It's the measurement of the spicy heat of a chili pepper. That's right, they have an entire scale on how horrible your next "pooping session" will go.

A Jalapeno pepper is rated at 2,500-8,000 Scoville heat units, and the Habanero pepper is rated at 100,000 to 350,000. What does that mean? It means that a Habanero pepper is four times lamer then a Naga Jolokia pepper, which is rated around 855,000 to 1,463,700 units. Another example of how the Scoville heat units measure "heat" could be the fact that 5,000,000 Scoville units measure to about the amount of heat in law enforcement grade pepper spray. This stuff reduces grown men to a crying screaming pile of lame-sauce.

If you think these are spicy, try sugar.

You can probably pick up some of this pepper online and try it yourself, but allow me to warn you, people have said that as you eat and digest the pepper, it only gets hotter and hotter, not even the previously soothing aid of milk or liquids will help you. Once it's in your mouth, there's no turning back.


2. The Bullet Ant. (Paraponera)

Obviously we mean business by now right? It even has the word bullet in it's name and as we know, bullets aren't usually known for being friendly and cuddly. Locals, that deal and live with the ants everyday call them the 24 (hour) ant, and they don't call them that because of the 24 hours of happiness and euphoric feelings of glee after they sting you, they call it the 24 hour ant because of the 24 hours of pain and agony you'll feel after the initial sting.

The sting the a bullet ant is ranked the highest in the Schmidt Sting Pain Index, which ranks the painfulness of the sting from a large majority of all the insects known to man. It is described in the Pain Index as:
Pure, intense, brilliant pain. Like fire-walking over flaming charcoal with a 3-inch rusty nail in your heel.
Did somebody say grilled burgers? No? Okay.

The ant's sting has been closely associated with the pain of a bullet wound, and therefore the name.

Pictured: A Bullet Ant.

I know what you're thinking, isn't it pretty dangerous to this? In theory, yes, in practice, still yes. Despite of that, there is a indigenous tribe in Brazil named the Satere-Mawne that use bullet ants as a part of their initiation rites, or ceremony marking the entrance or acceptance of a person to a group. Now, don't think they take a little bullet ant, place it in a jar, and put it on a boys belly, no, of course not.

What they would do is sedate (using natural sedatives) hundreds of bullet ants and wove them into a glove made out of leaves with stingers facing inwards. When the ants wake up again from their nice comfortable slumber, the boy slips on the glove for five full minutes bearing the pain of getting shot hundreds and hundreds of times in one small part of his body with smoking hot bullets of horror. After removing the glove, parts of the boys hand will most likely be paralyzed because of the venom, and he may shake uncontrollably for days on end. All of this would would act as a symbol of changing from a boy, to a man.

We got you something for your 18th birthday.

Well, after that it's all happy days and drinking beer right? Wrong. The boy has to do it again, twenty times in the next months or years of his life into one day, he'll be called a true warrior.

If the boys in Satere-Mawne can do it twenty times with hundreds of bullet ants, you can do it once, with one bullet ant right? Right?


3. Water Boarding.

"Now you're talking! Some fun at the beach right? Hold on, how is this a challenge though?"
Despite how nice the name water boarding sounds, and how closely associated the words may be with having fun at the beach, you're quite wrong.

Water boarding, is a controversial torture technique. You are usually strapped down on a static object, like a plank, which places your head slightly below your feet. After that, they give you happy tickle massages and they give you a nice ol' manicure. After that, they put a thick damp towel over your face, hold the towel in place as they pour cold water over the towel in till you spill the beans. (See what I did there too?)

Doesn't sound that bad right? Sounds like at worst, a slightly irritating method of washing ones face right? Wrong. Water boarding simulates the warm sensation of drowning to death. Imagine this; They put a damp cold towel over your face tightly which already restricts breathing, then they pour cold water into the towel, which goes into your mouth and up your nose into your lungs and sinuses. Your life flashes across your eyes, you choke and gag, they grab the towel, and force it down your throat as they continue to pour water. You choke for a few more seconds, feeling blood in your throat as water fills in your lungs and your stomach. You finally start to feel the welcoming sense of death, you close your eyes, and stop moving. You wake up after the ordeal, they ask you the question again, you refuse, they put the towel back over your face and repeat the process in till you answer the question. Each time, you die, only to wake up to face the harsh reality of your situation, then you die again and again in till you answer the question, if you answer the questions then, you'll either go home, or receive true death.


Even after me describing it, I bet some of you cocky fellows think "Man, I could probably last at least a few hours. Hold my breath, do a few breathing exercises." 

  • Well, sure you could hold your breath, although if you are waterboarded while laying back, or with your head below your feet, it won't stop the water from flooding your entire upper respiratory system. so holding your breath is as good as tapping your fingers against each other and hoping that your captors would suddenly disappear and calling yourself Sally.
  • But they can't possibly keep the water supply going for that long right? Wrong, water boarding can be done with less then two canteens of water.
  • The facial covering, or the towel basically acts as a bonus, it prevents you from spitting out any water, and keeps all the water safe inside of you, as you choke and your lungs begin to fill up with water.
  • Mind over matter right? Unless you practice resistance daily with proper medical and psychological doctors watching over you, you don't stand a chance. CIA officers that subjected to waterboarding lasted on average, two hours before caving in. Just kidding, fourteen seconds.

As I've described before, this can be done over and over again to simulate death by drowning. If the bad guys have proper equipment and training, they can keep an eye on the amount of oxygen in your blood with a blood oxygen monitor, and make sure you have enough oxygen to stay conscious, but probably not enough to take a good ol' deep breath in. When the person reaches the point in which they fall unconscious, the bad guys have 5-6 minutes to resuscitate the person before brain damage will set in. They can do this all day long , if you haven't already cracked in the first ten seconds.

Good luck!

Disclaimer: Feel free to do the first two at your own dumb discretion, but waterboarding is a very serious topic that is no laughing matter. Waterboarding as a act of torture against someone else is illegal, and if you're caught doing so, you'll most likely go to court and have some nifty things printed in your criminal records, also jail.


There you go! Three extremely manly challenges, eat a little pepper, let a tiny bug bite you, and have your friends wash your face repeatedly.

Note From Me!: Please leave comments, feedback and suggestions! They help a lot! Thanks for reading, and/or following this blog for the time it's been up and we -heart- you long  time.