Tuesday, June 21, 2011

How to Avoid Imminent Death From Flying Debris

Does your family have a close relationship with early death by flying debris? If you answered yes, then you should laugh! Then put on your serious face, because things just got serious. You never know when your time's come to die immediately from flying debris. You could be on your way to work, when suddenly a flying tree branch smacks you hard on the right side of your face, effectively cracking your neck and leaving your lifeless cold corpse on the sidewalk.

An army of possibility..

In theory, any flying object can be classified as flying debris, so that ranges from a coffee mug, to your great uncle Tim. So that means, keep an eye on your surroundings, you never know what a tornado, hurricane, or some freak storm could pick up and throw directly towards you.

Before we establish a keen eye for flying objects near you, let's narrow down the objects of plausibility that can kill you.

  1. Look around, what is near you at this very moment? Do you see a hovering cow the size of a pea getting larger and louder? Identify the immediate threats to your well-being.
  2. Look at your family tree. If you notice that all your aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins have died a horrible death of flying golf balls, perhaps you should avoid your weekly golf game with your neighbor Tim. This will help you avoid potential threats towards your life in the future
  3. Identify your location. If you live in a large industrial wind farm, maybe you should pay more attention to the sharpen blades on your wind turbines. This will help you narrow down the things that can kill you a few minutes from now, or even before you finish this sentence. Still alive? Good.
If you're still reading this text, then so far, so good. You're now one step ahead of your other family members just waiting for their turn at death by flying debris! Allow us to sit down and muse at the values of life.

Done? Good.
Okay, so what about the theoretical incoming immediate threat against your life in a form of a flying object?Lets try the following:
  1. Identify the object. If the object is simply a flying butterfly, perhaps it isn't really a threat on your life.
  2. React to the threat. If a giant yellow bus is being propelled at high velocity towards your body, then move out of the way. Don't stand there like a deer staring at the headlights of a car going 80 mph. In the case of a flying butterfly, attempt to keep all of your body openings close. You never know when a butterfly can fly into just the right spot of your lungs to kill you.
  3. Take a shower. Now, we both know you've soiled your pants at least six times during the entire ordeal, go clean yourself up, you deserve it.
  4. Keep your guard up. Right after dodging a flying bus, you never know if you turn around to six hovering hockey sticks going towards your direction at increasing speeds!
Good job. Now go tell that flying debris who's boss!

Keep your guard up; you never know.