Monday, August 22, 2011

5 Things Everyone Should Do Daily

This post isn't about super-secret things unheard of that will benefit your health in supernatural ways. These are things that everybody should do such as breathing and excreting feces; but for some reason, people have found ways to avoid and/or forget to do these extremely important things. We're not teaching anyone something new here, we're simply stressing the importance of not pissing the ground naked while dancing like wild monkeys.

Shower? Hahahahahahaha.

4. Brush Your Teeth Twice A Day

Yeah, we've all heard of brushing our teeth right? How many of us do it twice a day? Put your hands down, nobody asked you. Despite common belief, some people don't brush their teeth twice a day, once in the morning, and once before bedtime. But why is brushing twice so darn important? Perhaps because the mystical protective abilities of brushing your teeth wears off as the twilight of the moon hits it brightest peak?

No, sadly it is not related to the alignment of the moon and the earth. The truth is simple. Once it's bedtime, you've probably have already eaten three meals a day. Three entire meals packed full of bacteria, viruses, and slowly decaying food. Since your mouth has individual teeth, food gets stuck in your teeth, hence the need to brush in general. Once you're about to go to bed, that's the optimal time to brush your teeth. Why?

Because at night time, your mouth stops producing saliva, which has anti-bacterial properties. Which leaves the bacteria an entire night to swim around and grow colonies in your mouth while you dream away in glee. Simply brushing your teeth (and your tongue) can remove a large amount of the bacteria from your mouth, which can prevent disease and bad breath in the morning.

If brushing your teeth is impossible, try not to breath, at all.

Even your toothpaste tells you to that it only "provides 12 hour protection", it doesn't mean that they made toothpaste out of magic unicorn blood that only helps you for a half-day time period. It means that after a full day of eating and stuffing your mouth hole with food, you need to brush away those disgusting pieces of broccoli and steak bits.

Don't forget to floss. (Yeah right, you're not going to floss.)

3. Take A Darn Shower Once In A While

As kids, we would throw a screaming fit before getting into a shower/bath, even though ten seconds into the shower, we would end up having so much fun, we didn't want to get out. But for some strange reason, some people feel that they should wait two or even three days before showering. By the end of the week, they end up smelling like stinky smelly excrement, and nobody likes to smell like smelly excrement right?

Oh You.

You might think that you don't smell that bad when you smell your armpits, but trust me, you do. Since you're so accustomed to your own smell, you might not noticed that you smell like goat urine in till you notice the poop stain in your boxers. Here's a wild suggestion, try taking a shower daily. If you do, you'll be sick less often, and people won't jump over tables and chairs to avoid you.

2. Wash Your Dang Hands

We all have that friend comes over for dinner during the year. Sometimes, that friend uses the bathroom. Sometimes, that friend doesn't wash his hands. Sometimes, he passes food with his filthy urine/fece covered hands. Sometimes that same friend finds himself inside of the trunk of a car speeding down the highway without a driver. What a crazy world, eh?

Do you get the pun?

Washing one's hands is extremely important for both yourself, and your fellow man. Think about how many things you touch daily and how often you touch your face. Even if you don't care about yourself, think about how many hand-to-person contact you make everyday! You're practically a mobile bio-weapon!

Nobody likes the idea that you were taking little pieces of paper, rubbing your butt clean, and giving people high fives like you won the World Series. After using the bathroom, wash your dang hands.

1. Keep Your Food Inside Your Mouth

So your friend is over for dinner again right? You guys are having a blast, since he the funniest guy you know; but there's one problem. He occasionally spits his entire mouthful of chewed food along with pounds of saliva over your face every time he laughs. Obviously, it isn't a very pleasant experience. So here's one suggestion friend, keep your mouth shut while you're eating.

At least this guy has an excuse.

Also, nobody wants to see the chewed up food go down your throat, girls tend to not find that very attractive.  The occasional food particle that flies out of your mouth is a real conversation-turn-off. "Anyways, I was at the amusement par- oh, seven bird carcasses fell out of my mouth, what an inconvenient time for dead animals to come out of my mouth."

Picture Related.