Friday, August 5, 2011

3 Animals That Cheated Death

It's a known fact that we all eventually die; Some people go down fighting, others go down peacefully. The three animals below punched death in the face, presumably with a pipe in their mouth, laughing all the way.

"Sophie Tucker"

In the era of naming pets human names, Sophie Tucker probably has one of the most exciting stories. Sophie, is a grey and black cattle dog, around four years old at the time. Her owners were suggestively wealthy, because she was accompanying her owners on their yacht. People generally don't buy a Yacht when they're struggling to pay rent, and wondering where their next meal is going to come from.

It generally doesn't work this way.

On a fresh November day, Sophie and her family were probably doubting the newscast for beautiful weather. That day, the ocean was especially unforgiving and literally, rocked the boat. Perhaps the mere presence of Sophie shook fear into the soul of the ocean, or maybe it was just a bad day. On that faithful day, Sophie fell off the side of the boat.

After days of looking for Sophie or even her corpse, they found themselves out of luck in finding any traces of her. Since Sophie's name isn't Jason Borne, something was clearly going down. Sophie decided she wasn't going to have any of this "dying stuff" and paddled six entire miles in shark infested waters to find her owner. One could assume that she was paddling with the left paw, fending off a school of sharks with the right claw, while giant explosions provided ambiance.

Pictured: Professional Rendered Simulation

Sadly, Sophie ended up swimming away from the mainland, and ended up on a some-what deserted island. The island was called St. Bees Island, and other than a few locals, wild goats and koalas; It's pretty obvious, there wasn't a crowd cheering her on as she swam six miles, with a greeting party at the end of the island.

"Not exactly as far as from your bed to the bathroom."[1]

For the next four months, she survived on the island alone. She ran around the presumed beaches like a wild animal, and taught herself how to hunt goats for food. So after swimming for six miles, she got straight to hunting and murdering goats. She was like the female version of Bear Grylls, except more dog.

Trapped on a deserted island? Better drink my pee.

After the locals realized that a strange new beast was lurking their beach and killing their goats, they contacted Wildlife Rangers to capture her. Word reached the owners that a mysterious dog [with a cigar in her mouth] was found on the island. At first, they thought that is was highly improbable that it was Sophie, but thought it was worth a chance to take a look.

Four months after she fell overboard, she was reunited with her family. When they saw the cage, and called out for her, she went wild and banged around the cage in excitement. When they let her out, she ran over and nearly knocked them over with excitement. (Or was it petty revenge?)

"Next time you give up, I'll kill you."

[1] (Picture from

Mike The Chicken

Initially, Mike was like any other five month old chicken, raised to be on your plate one day. On September 10, 1945, The farmer that owned Mike, was having his mother-in-law over, and decided to prepare a meal. That same faithful day, was the day "Miracle Mike" was "born".

Right as the farmer lunged his axe at the chicken, he missed. The chicken was left with only his brain stem and a single ear on his head.  (Along the Jugular vein still in place.) The farmer was surprised and amazed that the chicken continued to breath and move like any other healthy chicken. Clearly, the chicken is immortal.

"I believe that this head, goes here."

Even with more than half of his head on the ground, he was able to balance on a perch, and walk around like a clumsy fool. Death wasn't quite ready for this fella yet.

The farmer decided to care for the chicken since it's not everyday, anything survives a beheading. Mike continued to do what he does best, chicken stuff. He was fed with milk mixtures and little bits of corn from a eyedropper into the gaping hole in Mike's neck.

Like any other chicken, he crowed at dawn (Although, without a head, it was pretty difficult. It ended up sounding like Uncle Tim gargling his saltwater mixture before Christmas Dinner) and pecked the dirt for food. (Since he didn't have a beak, or even a head, it was more like slamming his neck into the ground violently)

It was a extremely confusing time for Mike

Mike's story eventually became wide-spread, creating a celebrity-like status for the domesticated fowl. At his peak, he brought home $48,000 a month in 2010 dollars. Surely more than you bring home while you lazily waste away your days at your computer screen, silly you.

Sadly, death eventually needed to claim a life. Unquestionably like "Last Destination", Mike died while choking during the middle of the night. The owners of Mike left their feeding and cleaning syringes back at their "sideshow" featuring Mike, which led to Mike's unfortunate demise. Mike lived for 18 months after the decapitation, much more than how long you'll survive if we decapitated you.

There's only one way to find out.

LuLu the Pig

Lulu, unlike the other animals, put herself in harm's way. She practically laughed at death as she did what she could to save her owner's life. Before I tell the story, I'll tell you about the pig.

Lulu was a gift for a girl named Jackie, the daughter of a women named Jo Ann. At one point, Jackie decided to go whale-watching, (every girl's dream obviously) and asked her parents to babysit Lulu. At first, Jackie didn't like the idea of owning a pig and kept asking for a new pet. Thankfully for the future sake of the family, they soon became attached to Lulu, and the little four pound piglet, grew into a 150 pound Vietnamese Pot-Bellied pig. 

One day when Jo Ann was alone, she suffered a heart attack. The family dog, Bear, pretty much froze at the spin of the moment and barked at Jo, hoping that it would scare the heart attack away. Studies show barking at heart attack victims do not help much. Lulu on the otherhand, walked into the room and took one look at Jo Ann; instantly, she knew something was wrong, and started "crying" big fat tears.

After she recomposed herself, she crashed through the doggy door of the house, and pushed open the gate. Once she reached the road, Lulu waited until a driver drove by, and calmly walked onto the road and positioned herself down in front of incoming traffic in order to get someone to stop and help. Chances were that she was smoking a cigar and twirling her mustache while doing so.

Pictured: Recreational Simulation

Each time the drivers drove around Lulu, she ran back to Jo Ann to check on her. After a few moments of making sure she was still alive, she ran back outside in order to get some help. She spent forty-five determined minutes before a young motorist stopped and followed the pig. The young man said "Lady, your pig's in distress.", Jo replied "I'm in distress, too. Please call an ambulance"

The man called emergency services, and the paramedics arrived. Once they got Jo Ann into the ambulance, Lulu attempted to go with her by climbing into the back with her. The paramedics let her know that she did as much as she could, and that she should take the rest of the day off. So she went back home, and murdered seventy bears in anger.