Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Eddard's Guide to Ostentatious and Sumptuous Words: Boss Edition

Let's face it, you're a boss. You're the man (or woman, we're all about equality within the borders of this land mass), you're the top dog, you're the alpha (fe)male. Well do you talk like a boss? If your conversations end up like this,

Maximilian: The meticulousness of that particular mummer's pantomime was quite galvanizing!
You: Pancakes.

You clearly have some work to do. If you're a boss or aspiring to be one and don't quite have the lexicon to match your stupefying ability to be a boss, have no fear, for Eddard is here to pave you a grammatical road of sheer erudition!

Note: This article applies to both actual bosses and the colloquial version of the word. Oh, Colloquialisms!

1. Paramount - Superior to all others - You are a boss. Normally that means everyone knows you're the man (or woman), but in case some lackwits haven't gotten the message, use paramount to show just how darn important you are. The word paramount exists to show just how good you are because its a word that means you're the best and if you're a boss, it gets no better. Someone is not listening you, lash out at them with paramount and get them to steppin'. Yeah, steppin'.

2. Puissance - Strength, Power - Puissance. It sounds just a bit prissy, doesn't it? That's only because they both have that double s sound, okay?! If you're a boss like me, you've already realized the potency of this word. You as a boss, are puissant. You command with an iron fist, no, a steel fist, no, a fist made of a meteor covered in exploding volcanoes that shoot out flaming diamonds. Yeah, your fist is the bee's knees. More importantly your fist is puissant. Use puissant when you are dared to be questioned or need to show capability. (as though you should have to prove yourself. Such insolence!)
June: I don't want to file your paperwork.
You: Must I prove to you my puissance?!
June: No, please. I love paperwork. I just attended a seminar about paperwork. I have the papers to prove it.
Paperwork done.

Boss Puissance. And you thought puissant was a funny word.

3. Venerate - to regard with reverential respect or with admiring deference - If your mind immediately went to "Hey, why am I being reverential?", you're not quite ready for boss-hood. Don't worry kid, you'll get there someday. Veneration is what you as a boss should be a recipient of. Did you just walk into a room, "Your Puisanntness"? You should be venerated the second eye contact is made with your person. One note though, veneration is not worship, no one is that boss. And if you are, don't let it go to your big head, okay?

4. Subjugate - to make submissive - This is what you as a boss does to people. Your aura of intimidation, puissance and moxie (all bosses have moxie, no moxie is not prissy either) makes people obey. When they question, when they deny your paramount boss-ness, when they refuse veneration for the sheer fact that you exist, time for you to bring out the big guns. The figurative big guns that is. Like so:
Tom: I'm going home.
You: No, you're not.
Tom: You can't tell me what to do!
You: You're compelling me to subjugate you?
Tom: No, no I'm not. I'll clean your shoes with a cloth made of my own mustache. I promise.
Shoes cleaned.

5. Shellacking - a decisive defeat - Bosses win. If you look up victory in a dictionary, you'll find this, and i quote "what bosses achieve constantly". Well, it depends on what dictionary you use, but you catch my metaphorical drift, yes? Good. Simply put, bosses win convincingly. You've just been invited to a Monopoly party! Yay! But wait Eddard, I've never played Monopoly! No matter, you're a boss! You'll own every property before you pass go thrice and give those sorry flimflams a shellacking. Hard.

Is it just me, or you just became superior? You have a fine scent about you! That smell is the scent of boss. Wear it well my friends, wear it well, for it is that fine aroma that shall liven you for a very long time. And liven everyone else as well because let's face it, you're a boss.

And all bosses live in house that look like this.

Thanks to Merriam-Webster for their fantastically descriptive descriptions!