Wednesday, November 16, 2011

4 Tips On Surviving Prison

Ever wonder what you would do if you were sentenced to jail for a un-specified amount of time? Well worry not! We've wondered the same things you've wondered in the past wonderment of wondering. Thanks to our grueling hours of research, you can now learn four lessons of prison, before you get there! Don't worry about paying us back, we'll put it on your tab.

4. Never become indebted to anyone

Let's say that you just got sentenced to jail for money laundering and you get off the prison bus with a confident mind set and rushing adrenaline in your veins. You stroll into the jail and the first guy you meet offers you a calming box of cigarettes and/or some naughty magazines to help you get on your feet. Isn't that nice? Maybe jail isn't that bad after all? Maybe these inmates are excited to meet you and become friends to help you get back on your feet and back home in one piece?

Pictured: Jail

Chances are, they're trying to take advantage of you. After accepting the item or service they offered for "free", they may come back later for a favor or task to make you both "even". If you refuse, they'll have a justified reason to beat you up every day until you can cough out the dough. This trick is extremely common for many first-time prisoners that have yet to learn the ropes and cogs of the prison social structure and economy. After becoming indebted to someone without the ability to pay them back, you'll be lucky to simply be beaten up. You never know they if take you as the payment (or until you can make the payment) and use you for sexual favors or "sell" you to other more ambitious inmates.

With that in mind, never gamble in prison. While you may have had a hot streak in that casino back in 09', if you find yourself unable to pay for your gambling bills, you won't simply receive a stern notice from the casino. Instead, prisoners will do practically anything to get the money you owe them. But on the other hand, if you're an expert card player, you should avoid gambling even more than before. If you start winning like it's your birthday, they may suspect you of cheating and beat the crap out of you and steal your money. You never know.

Unless "winning like it's your birthday" means going broke after five minutes to you.

3. Don't become a Punk

Never ever under any circumstances agree or silently nod to becoming a punk. A "Punk" is usually the guy you see in the movies that act as personal servants to more confident bullies for protection. While becoming a punk may seem appealing since you'll be protected from other prisoners, nobody's going to protect you from the "protectors" themselves. Obviously, these guys aren't going to protect you from the goodness of their heart, they want to use you, literally.

"Awwww yeah, file those tax reports"

Most of the time, people who offer to take you "under their wing" usually want you become their punk or as prostitute. Either way, the chances of being sexually assaulted just rose by 100% and you'll probably be raped within the first few days. As you're being raped, you'll be treated as a "item" and sold or "transferred" to other inmates that "bought you" from the original person and yes, you'll probably be "pimped" out even more. If you value your life more than your self-respect, self-image and your body, go ahead and sign up.

2. Keep your mouth shut

Don't discuss your personal life or your criminal sentencing. You don't need other inmates knowing where your mother lives, your religion, how long your sentence is, your personal fears, and your ice cream preferences. Telling people about yourself can only lead to trouble since you're giving up personal information that will 100% be used against you while you receive nothing in return. Telling people personal information will probably be used to intimidate you with threats to your family or lead to a bad stigma being attached to you. (Such as religion, sexual preference, politics and etc.)

Well I do like a good scoop of chocolate ice cream.

While you're at it, don't discuss what you're in for, or when you're getting out. If your crime in sexually-orientated, don't tell anyone. Both society and jail share the same "distaste" for sexual predators and both will place social stigmas on you. Jail on the other hand, will put you on the very bottom of the jail social ladder and you'll basically become the "punk" of everybody.

If anybody asks when you're getting out, don't tell them. If people find out that your release date is coming up, they'll love nothing more but to get you in trouble and extend your sentencing. If you're related to any organizations or gangs, they may force you to give up personal information to continue using you after you leave the jail.

Even if the conversation is non-personal and is simply small-talk, a slip of the wrong word can lead you on the enemies list of many inmates. Generally, the more words that come out of your mouth, the greater chance of trouble coming down your way.

1. Stand up for yourself

Like your mother always said, stand up for yourself. Never let other inmates see you as weak or vulnerable at any point of your sentence. All it takes is for one prisoner to take the brownie from your lunch tray before everybody thinks they can take things from you, after all, it's not like you'll do anything about it. After taking all your valuables, material possessions and relationships, all you have left is your dignity, pride and respect; losing any of these will put you as you at the feet of other prisoners.

If you see this at eye-level, it's an indicator that you're doing it wrong.

If you allow any of the other prisoners to push you around, you'll be taken advantaged of and probably end up in the gutter. But before you start walking around like you own the place with a cigar in your mouth, remember that if you pose as a threat to the other prisoners' dignity, pride, or respect, they'll have no problem shanking you in the shower.