Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Eddard's Guide to Ostentatious and Sumptuous Words: Romance Edition

That flutter in your chest. The somersaults your stomach does upon occasion. The drool that comes unbidden at the most inopportune times. It can only mean one thing, love. Or like. (Love is intense so for all intent and purposes we'll just say like.) There's a special someone (we'll say a lady) in your sights and you would love (or like) to impress her with your incredible jargon to win her heart. But what ever shall you impress your potential paramour with? "Hi, I like your face.". I guarantee that will not work (maybe from personal experience?). This however is not a guide to smooth talking, but a guide with such smooth words, your stumbly lovesick (or likesick) words will come out like a baby's bottom. Dang, that's smooth. And now, onto five words you can use through different phases of romance!

This could be you
1. Pulchritudinous - physically beautiful; comely - A compliment can work wonders towards building true love (or true like). Your dream-lady is beautiful, gorgeous, pretty, resplendent, dazzling, ravishing, but she's heard all of that before! You need to knock her out (poetically of course) with a compliment so unique and unheard, she'll have no choice but to fall into your arms. In comes pulchritudinous, a collection of words that sounds like lingustical regurgitation but is actually a beautiful compliment that praises any lady.
Side Note: Please also remember to like her for herself, not just her pulchritudinous exterior. Don't be a jerk!

2. Parsimonious - extreme or excessive economy or frugality; stinginess - Did that lovely personality, kindhearted, pulchritudinous girl say yes to a date with you? How auspicious! You may find you may never need to actually use this word, and if you do clearly you've done something very wrong or have spent so much money on the date you can speak as so:

Darla - "Wow, (guy)! You've spent so much money on this date!"
You - "Indeed, no one can call me parsimonious!"

If this conversation happens at all, clearly something is wrong with both of you. Anyhow, keep this word as a reminder to yourself, don't be stingy, but don't go overboard either.

3. Lascivious - inclined to lustfulness; lewd; wanton - Another word to avoid. "But you're supposed to help me get the girl Eddard!" I am helping you! Dos and do nots lovely readers. This one you should never pull out upon your lady love (or like) unless it is totally true and should be corrected and brought to light. Faithfulness is very important, on your end too. Also, if either of you are called out so stylishly, you should just agree even if it's untrue. I mean look at that word, it's so good looking. And by good looking, I mean pulchritudinous.

Pulchritudinous. I could show you a picture of parsimonious instead if you'd like.

4. Inamorata- a woman who loves or is loved; female sweetheart or lover - Somehow, beyond your wildest dreams, your love (or like) has now gone exclusive with you. You are now free to call her, dear, darling, babe, honey, babeloid (+5 awesome points for that one), sweet pea, cupcake and a myriad of other terms all conveying your affections. Well before you call her dear for the 56421987218 time, try Inamorata. It may be long, it may be confusing, it may totally ruin a romantic mood, but it is so pure of an endearing term that none of that matters because it's just that good. Only use when in a relationship or if your love (or like) somehow likes that you call her that outside of a relationship (which can only mean good things anyway, Romeo).

5. Bellicose - inclined or eager to fight; aggressively hostile; belligerent; pugnacious - another word which hopefully never appears but in relationships, times can be great and they can be terrible; and outside of them too of course. Bellicose is somehing you should not be, and if you are, clearly something is not going right. And while pulchritudinous and inamorata are amazing, (seriously, look at those words!) they can't fix everything. Also, if you don't return to tiptop shape, you may be defenestrated, a cruel end to your non lascivious romance.

So, now that you are equipped with some lovely new vocabulary, go use it! Wisely of course, don't be all presumptuous with your new found terminology. Make me proud reader, make me proud...

You asked for parsimonious, you got it. Yes, I really am that parsimonious.