Monday, October 10, 2011

3 Reasons You Won't Survive War

Welcome to the United States Army, Private. You are now enlisted into an arm of America's military, the gun boys who go out and fight the good fight for the sake of us back home. Ok, you're not really enlisted but hey, I'm a writer, I have to make you feel the illusion of combat boots and sweaty green clothed people right? Moving on from such tasteful images we go to war. War is by all means conflict to resolve strife between two or more opposed sides. And by conflict I mean armed conflict. You think you have what it takes, don't you? You just smoked Spetsnaz in Call of Duty 0.7 seconds ago, no one can stand against your military prowess! Well Colonel Buttkickkillallmasterdeathmachine, let's probe some aspects of why you won't live up to that wonderful name I just gave you.

Note: This article does not apply to Spetsnaz soldiers.

Seriously, Spetsnaz will kill you upside down flying through the air. With a hatchet.

1. You don't know where you are - If you are deployed anywhere that's not your house, will you know what to do? Modern Warfare (oddly enough this next sentence applies to the video game too!) take place in caves, deserts, mountains, all which have hidey holes and are treacherous to climb sans forty pounds of equipment and armed opposition, so how would you fare with all of that then? Your opposition on it's own soil will know exactly where they are, exactly where everything is, where to hide and where to strike. But there is hope! You after all are armed and armored and in any struggle for survival, your body will adapt to win at all costs. Yay, brain function!

2. You have the smaller stick - Perhaps you are not a fighter pilot. Perhaps you're not the guy who turns the key to launch a nuclear warhead. Perhaps you're a nurse (hey, nurses are very important!). You're just one of the countless soldiers employed by the military of your country. You have a rifle, a sidearm and perhaps some explosives. What happens when someone calls down the thunder on you? Air strike? Done. Snipers as you cross an open field. Dead. Minefield that you're crossing as snipers fire upon you and an air strike is hammering your position. Done dead. A war is fought to be won at all costs. The effort will be immense to remove you and your allies as opposition. It's simple to call down an artillery strike to eradicate you and your friends, much simpler than sending ones own soldiers. Yeesh, war sounds deadly. Yes, yes it does.

And you thought joining the Navy would spare you.

3. You don't know how to play war - "Yes i do!" you may be thinking. The United States Army often uses paintball as a war game to keep soldiers' skills sharp, so we can assume paintball is a the safest and most accurate representation of battle without actual killing. So, have you ever played paintball? If so then you know how frustrating it can be to be shot at angles you did not know you could be shot from, hidden enemies firing upon you, hearing the thunk of paintballs upon your cover, seeing your teammates go down and of course, the pain of being shot. You may win, you may lose, although there are many differences to note of course between a war game and war. Paintball is fun, war is not (duh Eddard). Those hits you took, those are your death. The hits your friends took, that's their death. If you saw them take the hit, you watched them die, which is often a cause for Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome for many soldiers. Those rounds hitting your cover, those could pass through as bullets and kill you. The sniper on their team will be much more accurate and much further away. It only goes on and on the list. And on.

Hey, war is serious, so don't get too many big ideas in your head about it. Instead, thank a soldier, praise your armed forces, and overall, be thankful for all they've done for us, now and in the past. Eddard over and out.