Stanislav Petrov : The Man That Averted Global Thermonuclear Warfare

Global thermonuclear warfare. Isn't that a fun topic? Sure it is. But what do we do if it actually happens? Hiding in your damp closet in the fetal position probably isn't going to help much. The truth is, an all-out nuclear war would probably mean the end for humanity. So it's safe to say, we should probably avoid it. However, there have been several points in history in which global thermonuclear warfare was as close to reality as you and me. Today, we're going to talk about the 1983 Soviet false alarm incident that could have potentially brought the end of the world as soon as September 26, 1983.

Brought to you as soon as September 26, 1983.

Okay, so you're a Lieutenant Colonel of the Soviet Air Defense Forces, on duty of the Soviet early warning system at the Serpukhob-15 bunker. You're job is to receive the message the warning message from the soviet satellite early warning network and to notify your direct superiors of any nuclear missile attacks against your great nation. As you sit in your chair of undetermined comfortability during the darkness of the night, your computer screen lights up and notifies you of five ICBMs heading towards the Soviet Union from the hated United States of America. It's time. The war's begun. Right?

Instead of being a mindless puppet like his superiors wanted, Stanislav Yevgrafovich Petrov decided to not notify his superiors and declared the attack as a false alarm. This would have meant certain doom and charges of treason (if the Soviet Union survived) if the attack reached tangibility. Despite protocol of telling his superiors and letting them decide the fate of the world, Petrov went against the status quo and went with his gut. Luckily, he was right.

"What?! We already put the windshield back up and everything!"

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3 Men You May Not Know Responsible For Mass Hysteria

Let's get one thing straight here, when I mean Mass Hysteria, I don't mean that these guys were trending on Twitter or had the most Google searches today; I mean thousands of people were driven towards near insanity by their devotion and love of these men. They literally brought people together to be psychotic within close proximity to them without any particular cause or reason besides the fact that they existed. These guys are the bee's knees, not just one bee's, a whole hive's worth of knees. Yup, they're just that darn popular. Anyway, let's jump into it!

Note: To remain unbiased, Norman and I have both excused ourselves from this list. Your mass hysteria about us is very heartening though, so thanks!

1. Franz Liszt - Franz Liszt is perhaps the greatest pianist to ever live, hammering the ivories in the 19th century. A Hungarian, Franz began learning to play piano at the age of seven and it would be this instrument that would be his great success. Franz Liszt lived til seventy four, and while very successful, his personal life held many tragedies in failed romances and the death of his children. However, Franz held the attention of everyone who had ever heard him play. Franz Liszt was known in his time to be brilliant, as so few great people are. He was loved, adored, frenzied over to the point where a phenomenon known as Lisztomania occurred. Franz Liszt in his adept virtuosic playing ability would whip his adoring fans into literal frenzied states. They would rush around him and grab at his clothes. A glove or item of his clothing was a treasure of a lifetime. Women would grab his hair to gain a lock of it, a broken piano string from his often forceful playing from his own frenzy as he played would be asked as a favor. Franz Liszt held everyone captive, yet they were driven to a "veritable insanity" by him. Screaming fans of today's musicians cannot hold a candle towards Franz Liszt, though The Beatles "Beatlemania" and Elvis and his gyrations are more modern and somewhat similar phenomenon.

Go crazy.

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Eddard's Guide to Ostentatious and Sumptuous Words: Boss Edition

Let's face it, you're a boss. You're the man (or woman, we're all about equality within the borders of this land mass), you're the top dog, you're the alpha (fe)male. Well do you talk like a boss? If your conversations end up like this,

Maximilian: The meticulousness of that particular mummer's pantomime was quite galvanizing!
You: Pancakes.

You clearly have some work to do. If you're a boss or aspiring to be one and don't quite have the lexicon to match your stupefying ability to be a boss, have no fear, for Eddard is here to pave you a grammatical road of sheer erudition!

Note: This article applies to both actual bosses and the colloquial version of the word. Oh, Colloquialisms!

1. Paramount - Superior to all others - You are a boss. Normally that means everyone knows you're the man (or woman), but in case some lackwits haven't gotten the message, use paramount to show just how darn important you are. The word paramount exists to show just how good you are because its a word that means you're the best and if you're a boss, it gets no better. Someone is not listening you, lash out at them with paramount and get them to steppin'. Yeah, steppin'.

2. Puissance - Strength, Power - Puissance. It sounds just a bit prissy, doesn't it? That's only because they both have that double s sound, okay?! If you're a boss like me, you've already realized the potency of this word. You as a boss, are puissant. You command with an iron fist, no, a steel fist, no, a fist made of a meteor covered in exploding volcanoes that shoot out flaming diamonds. Yeah, your fist is the bee's knees. More importantly your fist is puissant. Use puissant when you are dared to be questioned or need to show capability. (as though you should have to prove yourself. Such insolence!)

June: I don't want to file your paperwork.
You: Must I prove to you my puissance?!
June: No, please. I love paperwork. I just attended a seminar about paperwork. I have the papers to prove it.

Paperwork done.

Boss Puissance. And you thought puissant was a funny word.

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4 Ways The Cold Is On Your Side

The hot topic of the week is the drop in temperature. Unless you live under a highly ventilated, heated rock, you've probably noticed that you can't simply wear shorts and t-shirts nowadays. It's that time of the year to dust off the winter jackets and get ready to endure the upcoming cold weather. The thing is, some people find winter one of the worst things in the world, second to world poverty itself. Some people simply find winter as unbearably cold and would rather prefer the good ol' humid, warm temperature. The thing is, the cold winter nights aren't as bad as they're cranked up to be.

"I'm back!"

4. Weight Loss

Doesn't everybody want to lose weight and look handsome? While we can't change your handsomeness-level, we can trim some of the fat on the side. Winter can offer one of the most sought after wishes of every self-conscious, un-secure teen/adult, passive weight loss. Almost all magic "diet pills" use the same cliche to losing weight in exchange of absolutely no work on your behalf. But hold on, instead of expensive pills that "celebrities use", why not simply endure winter?

You can easily burn calories from simply sitting at your desk, freezing your finger tips and ears off. How? By simply sitting around freezing, your body is constantly trying to generate enough heat to make sure you don't die of frostbite. Your body doesn't simply rub two sticks together and achieve 98 degrees worth of temperature. It takes fuel to make that heat, and that fuel is your body fat.

More like 98 degrees of chocolaty goodness!

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Judy - Suspiciously Awesome Prisoner of War

We've all heard of stories of people that overcome the worst possible odds and find themselves standing on a hill of decaying flesh, shining with the mere awesomeness of what they've accomplished. This is one of those stories. Except, instead of a fully capable, well-built, easily adaptable adult, it's a dog. You heard me right, a dog. If you thought that "a man's best friend" was overrated, wait until you hear the story of Judy.

Judy was one of the many dogs born in the Shanghai Dog Kennels in 1937; she was a first class pure bred liver and White Pointer. However, she was offered to the Royal Navy as a typical animal mascot at a very young age. Thankfully, the Royal Navy accepted the offer and took her in to help raise morale for their men. Wise decision.

She was assigned to the HMS Gnat, which was a a small, well-armed ship used for shallow rivers or near the shore. The ship was primarily used in China at the time of Judy's employment. At first, she had a rocky start getting adjusted to the new setting and at one point, fell overboard into the Yangtze River. But despite that, Judy wasn't the type of dog to simply sit around and look cute. She was known by the crew to be able to pinpoint out hostile Japanese aircrafts long before anyone in the human crew could hear them.

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