Saturday, September 3, 2011

3 Of The Most Common Drug Test Cheating Methods And Why They All Suck

Talk about long title right? Today, we're going to talk about the most common cheating methods for drug testings, and why they don't work. With the thousands of teens and adults resorting to drugs as a type of recreational activity, we would have to be clinically insane if we didn't cover this topic! (And if we were clinically insane, we wouldn't tell you.)

Wondrous drugs everywhere! In all shapes, colors and forms!

3. Replacing Your Urine With Other People's Urine

Let's pretend your rebellious cousin Tim came over during the weekend, and convinced you to try out some of his new "products". A day later, a routine random drug test was put into effect at the office, somebody's getting in trouble. So you tell your buddy Tom to pee in a cup for you, and as a good of a friend as he is, he does it for you. Way to go Tom!

After handing the cup to the man across the counter, he takes one look at the cup and one look at you. Suddenly, a security guard/police officer pulls you into the police van for questioning. What happened? Did Tom rat you out? Darn you Tom! Wait until he gets home to his burning apartment!


People have found various ways to replace their pee, with someone else's. You can literally buy 'clean' urine from the internet in case of a random drug test and simply pour it into a cup. If you're being watched, you can simply buy a prosthetic penis with a pack of urine inside of it and walk around with it all day just in case. It's called going the extra mile.

How They Get You:

So how exactly do they get you? How did the person across the counter magically know that something was up? The reason was, the temperature. A fresh sample of urine is at body temperature. If you've ever peed during a bitter cold winter, you could probably see a mist of steam float up from your golden pee. I doubt urine comes out of your body freezing cold, turning to ice on contact of air.

"I've been having trouble urinating, Doc."

When you hand them the urine sample, and the urine is suspiciously below temperature or even cold, you may be suspected of 'tampering with evidence'. Considering how difficult it is to get a good hot cup of coffee in the morning, don't expect miracles while you're in the bathroom with someone watching you as you try to rub a bag of urine back to body temperature. I mean, imagine the dirty look you would get.

2. Drinking Lots Of Fluids To Manipulate The Sample.

Why not drink plenty of water, just like the doctor say I should, and dilute the drugs? By the time I chug down this gallon of water, the drugs will be cleared out of me right? When I urinate that clear crisp urine out of my body, nobody would be none the wiser right?

How They Get You:

After taking a look at your urine sample, they may notice the unusual amounts of water in your urine or even simply observe the clear color. If they decide that the 'something' is making it difficult to get clear results, they'll simply tell you to come back a week later right? By that time, you'll be in Mexico, with a clean bladder! Actually, they'll get pretty darn suspicious. They aren't going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and let you go with a citation or something.

"You know what? You're a pretty cool guy. We can forget about the cocaine in anus thing alright?"

Especially if you eventually succumb to the side effects of the vast amounts water. Water intoxication is not laughing matter. If you suddenly start vomiting ten gallons of water like a fire hydrant, people around you may begin to get suspicious. But in real life, you'll likely simply die. Water intoxication can result in a painful slow demise. Is it your life really worth passing that drug test? If they begin to notice suspicious side-effects from known drug test cheating methods, they'll pull you over for questioning.

1. Mixing Chemicals Into The Urine In Order To Make It Unusable. (To Buy Time)

Screw drinking six bottles of water! Why not just pour some crazy crap into the urine, causing it not give any results? After looking at your urine, and noticing some obvious mistakes on their part, they'll simply ask you a week later to take another test right? It'll be just like the water drinking scenario with all the women and dancing in cool clubs, excluding  the death part! Nobody gets hurt!

How They Get You:

If they see that your sample is unusable, or suspect you of tampering the sample. You might as well walk back over there with one hand holding to a bag of cocaine, and the other hand holding to a lit joint.

If you think that it'll take a week or so to confirm the tampering you'll be wrong. They don't need to send the samples back to some underground lab for a week to get results. Instant drug tests are available on-hand for the officers, which can be used to test you. Therefore, you probably can't escape to Peru and expect to sit back and party with exotic women.

Most of the time, attempts to destroy the sample prove to be useless. A lot of people don't know which chemicals can actually give negative results, and which chemicals will simply result in bubbling urine. Most failed attempts are almost always detected on-the-spot, such as blue urine due the attempts of pouring mouthwash into the urine. Not such a smart idea Tim.

Even if you somehow got a week to "de-tox", that doesn't mean they can't get you. After suspecting drug use, they can use more advance drug tests, such as hair follicle testing. Which can determine drug use from months and possibly years ago. Unless you can shave and pluck every hair from your body, you're out of luck.

Pictured: What you will be doing after reading this post